A close reading of a Cosmopolitan cover
Ah, Cosmopolitan. Thank the heavens for this magazine. Next to worrying about passing exams, establishing my identity, and forging a career-path, my biggest worry is what sort of contortionist-inspired sex position I can dig up to keep my man happy. For all you single ladies, I bet you’re thankful for their advice on what to wear to score the right guy, right?
Hold it. Before you start typing up a ferocious rant for your five-minutes of fame on Overheard Guelph, you should probably know that I was being sarcastic. Cosmo sucks, and for many reasons. Whoever said not to judge a book by its cover clearly never picked up an issue of Cosmo, because we’re going to do exactly that.
Cover Story #1: “38 Hot Sex Tricks”
First of all, a question that crosses my mind anytime I see a Cosmo issue is: where do their writers get these endless amounts of “sex tricks?!” I swear, every issue has this type of article. Maybe they have a sex trick encyclopedia and recycle the same lists ever so often. Or maybe they draw from a hat. Either way, there cannot be as many options as Cosmo’s suggesting, taking into consideration all of their other publications. I argue false advertising. Also, the article itself is completely heterosexual. I guess all women are straight, right? Thanks for assuming that we all sleep with men. Also, thanks for actively reducing us to sex objects. How about “38 Ways to Appreciate Yourself” instead? Something with a little less reduce-me-to-a-sex-robot and a little more celebration of myself.
Cover Story #2: “Rita Ora: Why She’s Everywhere –Including Fifty Shades”
All I have to say to about this one is, who cares?
Cover Story #3: “Get the Epic Love You Deserve”
How do they suggest I do this? And what does that even mean? This article turns out to be a Q & A with some “Guy Guru” named Logan Hill. The first question is from a girl who is jealous of all of her friends getting engaged. It’s backed up by a nauseating photo of a female grinning smugly and flaunting her new engagement ring. Is this what we’ve been reduced to as a gender?! Diamond-hungry, ring-parading fiends? According to Cosmo, yes.
Cover Story #4: “Find Your Sparkle! Best Beauty Under $10, One-Step Party Hair, Sweet Gifts for You & Him”
This just reaffirms the fact that Cosmo generalizes heterosexuality. Thanks again for assuming that we all dig men.
Cover Story #5: “How to Avoid Going Broke This Holiday”
Fine, as much as it pains me to, I’ll give them this one.
Cover Story #6: “Celebrity Exclusive “My Naked Photos Were Stolen”
I’ll reiterate my previous point of who cares?
Cover Story #7: “Must Try: The Easy Flat-Ab Workout You Can Do Anywhere!”
Here we go. There’s always a degrading “fitness” article. I’ve placed quotations on the word “fitness” because it’s actually a let’s-distort-your-body-image-so-you’ll-feel-the-need-to-follow-our-advice article. The phrase “easy flat-ab” alone is an oxymoron. Whatever “flat-abs” are, exactly, it probably won’t come easy because that’s not the way our bodies work. Also, who says we need flat-abs? Cosmo does. Which is exactly why I believe their magazine is distasteful and promotes a negative body image. This article proves that they have completely set a standard for all body-types, assuming that everyone wants flat-abs and that flat-abs should be a desired goal. How about they replace these offensive body-hating articles with articles about breathing exercises to relieve stress or tasty meal ideas? Things that are actually relevant and don’t feed in to these societal standards that have been set for the ideal body image. We are all different shapes and sizes! Let’s embrace it! And that doesn’t mean throwing a “plus-sized” model on the cover and claiming they’re advocators for healthy body images and body diversity. Why is there even a classification between “model” and “plus-sized model?” This is our problem. We constantly feel the need to classify body-types and set standards for ourselves. A model should just be called a model, period.
So, next time you’re stuck in line at Shoppers and find yourself feeling the urge to indulge in an issue of Cosmo, give the articles a twice over and ask yourself: what, exactly, will I get out of reading this? Will reading this encourage a positive body image and mindset? Hopefully you find yourself answering no. Just keep walking to the cashier and save that extra five dollars.