Moving through high school, I was almost always in a relationship. I often jumped from one relationship to the next, only staying single for a short period of time.
At the start of my third year of university, I let go of a relationship that I had been in since high school. It was an extremely difficult decision to make—I had tossed around the idea over and over again, but couldn’t build up the courage to actually do it. The fact was that we had grown apart, and I was no longer the same person I was in the eleventh grade.
When I finally took the initiative to let go, I was both relieved and terrified. I was saying goodbye to a huge part of my life—to not just one person, but to a whole network of people; to my high school self, and to whoever I was when I was in that relationship. For many students, that surge of university independence hits you in your first year of university. For me, that stage in my life came halfway through my undergrad. Here I was, 20-years-old and having to find myself again—ironically, I found myself empathizing with my mom, who had divorced my dad when I was small and had to deal with a similar inner conflict at a much more difficult point in her life. I felt as though I had lost touch with myself somewhere along the way in that relationship, and the only way I was going to move forward was to find myself again.
When you’re in a relationship for that long, it’s easy to become afraid to let go because it’s all you’ve known for the most current part of your life. We can outgrow romantic relationships the same way that we outgrow friendships, interests, and hobbies. Sometimes a relationship can become a security blanket—something that is comfortable and safe, but not exactly what’s best for you.
I knew that I needed to find a way to be comfortable alone again, so I decided to date myself. Sounds weird, right?
By dating myself I don’t mean I took myself to the movies or out to a fancy restaurant. In the same way that we spend time with others to learn things about them, I spent time with myself to learn more about me. When I became single, I had a surprising amount of free time on my hands that I didn’t have before. I began going for walks on my own—something that I found oddly uncomfortable in the past. I learned more about food, and began taking the time to actually cook for myself, something I also didn’t pay much attention to beforehand. I also signed myself up for yoga classes, which grew into regular me-time that I still value to this day.
I also became an avid contributor to The Ontarion. I had published one article in second year for fun, so I knew the process. Attending weekly volunteer meetings was something I did for me—I didn’t really have any hobbies, so I thought joining more organizations on campus couldn’t hurt (not to mention it would be good for my resume). This little hobby ended up changing my life—putting me on a path that I never thought I’d find myself on.
I am a child of divorce—my parents separated when I was around five-years-old. Though I was fortunate enough to continue to have a close relationship with my dad, I lived with my mom, and it was my mom who taught me one of the most important things I know: always treat yourself. She has always been a fan of rewarding herself—she’d often buy herself jewelry for Christmas, and other holidays. When faced with the question “What’s the occasion?” she’d always say “I deserve it,” and she did.
This advice didn’t hit home for me until I was in university and forced to find myself again. I began following in her footsteps by making it a habit to splurge on Starbucks after I wrote an exam. Though it sounds small, this tiny gesture became an important part of recovering from post-breakup loneliness, because each time I bought myself a hot chocolate or a latte, I was showing myself love—giving myself the same feeling you get when somebody buys you flowers.
Since then, I’ve also taken up the tradition of buying myself something nice on my own birthday, which is something that I truly enjoy doing. When money is tight, I treat myself to a day of zero plans and a movie marathon—or just some time to catch up on reading.
Showing yourself love doesn’t need to be complicated and doesn’t need to involve spending money; it can be as simple as taking five minutes to relax and close your eyes. The point is that you’re doing something for you and not for anybody else. Each time you take a few moments to be alone with yourself, you are being kind to yourself and loving yourself.
We live in a society that is not encouraging of being alone with ourselves—we are often taught to accept love from others, but not from ourselves. We celebrate holidays that reaffirm the importance of romantic relationships, but there’s not a single day in the year that celebrates self-love.
The fact is that none of us are perfect. Though I just spent nearly a full page telling you that I’ve been learning to love myself first, I still sometimes treat myself poorly. It’s not easy to be completely comfortable with ourselves—if it were, adolescence wouldn’t be the not-so-fun rollercoaster that it is.
However, I did learn valuable lessons about myself that year. I learned that I don’t need to be in a relationship to survive. I learned that I actually enjoy spending time alone. I learned to respect myself. I learned that I can rely on myself.
It’s been a few years since that journey I took with myself—I am now in a new relationship, and I have learned not to become so immersed into someone that I lose myself.
So, for those of you who are dealing with a breakup, with that terrifying reality that you are so used to being with this person that you don’t know what to do without them, take it slow. Date yourself first. Show yourself love first. In loving yourself first, you’ll find it easier to show love to others, and even easier to accept love.