It’s a very, very mad world
The world changed tremendously in 2016; beloved celebrities were dropping like flies, the passing of a gorilla captured the hearts and minds of an entire generation, and the political landscape changed forever.
In the good old days, even during the election cycle, politics would still be floating on the cursory edges of your mind, entering into your train of thought only when there was nothing better to think about, or when you finally got “Ignition” by R. Kelly out of your head. Politics used to be the Big Bang Theory of conversational topics—not particularly interesting, but most people knew enough about it to carry on an awkward conversation on the bus ride to school. Now, that bus has shifted gears, hammered the pedal to the floor, and sped full tilt towards Crazytown.
Expert political pundits and journalists from countless publications have been weighing in on how the world should move forward and deal with the insanity that is the Donald J. Trump presidency, and the other reality-bending plagues of pestilence dropped on the world this year. Whether it’s getting involved in your own local community, opposing Trump-like activities wherever they spring up, or just putting a little bit more positivity in someone’s day, the message is to “be the change you wish to see in the world.” The fine folks at The Contrarion have always lindy-hopped to the beat of a different drummer and our advice is simple: give in to the insanity.
The world is spiraling down into the toilet bowl of bedlam, so why not just slip on your favourite water wings and enjoy the ride?
The very fabric of reality seems to have chosen 2016 as the time to throw in the towel on making sense, so we all might as well follow suit. My grandmother phoned me up the other day, and told me her plan to try skydiving on her holiday trip to New Zealand. If we were still living in coherent days, I would have advised the octogenarian matriarch of my family that maybe she should cool it with the extreme sports. She’s still sharp for 82, but not as spry as she used to be. But because we live in 2016, I wholly endorsed her ill-advised plan. I even went as far as to offer to push her out of the plane if she got last minute cold feet, because that’s the sort of caring grandson I am.
Throwing geriatric men and women out of a plane is not the only way that you can effectively avoid falling behind in these modern times. Next time you’re shopping for groceries, wear the basket as a tortoise shell and stalk the produce aisles. I can guarantee that no one will expect you to do that. It’s vital to make sure that all your future actions are able to meet the crazy quota of electing a reality television star as your next commander-in-chief. The Contrarion will be doing its part by delivering all forthcoming issues solely by carrier pigeon. Sure the cost is exorbitant, and PETA will probably be breathing down our necks within a fortnight, but as they say, that’s the cost of progress.
Our new pigeon initiative isn’t the only way that The Contrarion is doing their part in keeping current.
We have also decided that, henceforth, all of our papers will be printed on high grade, thin pressed catnip, as a way of giving back to our feline friends. While the City of Guelph is looking to limit the feral cat problem, we here at The Contrarion know that this is an outdated and far too sensible response to the current issue. Having hundreds of spaced out cats, nibbling away on our Arts and Culture section, is more contemporary or, dare I say it, enlightened way of confronting the kitty conundrum. Sure, high cats may cause some issues with our pigeon delivery method, and PETA will be breathing down our necks within a fortnight, but as they say, that’s the cost of progress.
You may be asking yourself, “Inner voice reading this paper, what are the benefits of leaving reality behind in 2015?”
It’s already been shown that, when you throw logic out the window and live in a world of pure fantasy, you too could one day become the elected leader of a nation. Without the confines of the practical laws of physics and reality holding you down, the possibilities are limitless. Whether you want to fly to the moon in a bathtub, or have humbler pursuits of being a pistachio eating pachyderm, 2016 has shown us all that no fantasy is too ludicrous to happen.
I have already decided that my future is to be the first ever six-foot-tall man to win the Tour De France on a chariot pulled by guinea pigs. Despite the future challenges I may face, I refuse to let the fact that I’m only 5’7 dash my dreams. Sure, the amount of training that fleet of rodents could end up being incredibly taxing on my wallet, free time, and sanity; and PETA will most certainly be breathing down my neck within a fortnight, but as they say, that’s the price of progress.
Every generation has had its limits it’s had to confront and conquer. Whether it was the Great Depression, war, or rapidly evolving technology, there has always been a facet of reality that must be overcome. Now, the challenge is the complete dismantling of our reality as we know it by cruel luck, random causality, and uninformed voters. For those wishing to rise to the challenge, look life in the face and leapfrog over the bounds of reality. I say go forward, you beautiful weirdo, and make 2016 proud.
Photo by Mariah Bridgeman.