Get that cute puppy just in time for Christmas
Looking to make an exciting addition to your family, but afraid of the commitment of childbirth? Always wanted a kitten, but inconvenienced by loss of cuteness and vet bills? Perhaps you think iguanas are cool, but don’t know anything about them. If any of the above scenarios sound remotely like you, fear no more! The infamous rideshare company Uber has just announced their newest service—UberPet.
During a press conference on Nov. 25—exactly one month before Christmas—Uber spokesperson M. T. Wallit revealed the new branch of the app, which allows users to input their preferred characteristics for a pet, enter their address, and have the ideal animal delivered within three days. The customer can specify the pick-up date for the animal when they order, or select Uber’s “on trial” option, which leaves the date for pickup unfixed. The latter option allows for the animal to be kept indefinitely until no longer convenient, but there is a premium charge for this service.
“We’ve seen a high demand for a convenient pet sector and we are thrilled about our ability to help fill this void,” said Wallit. “With UberPet, our customers receive tailored, hassle-free service from beginning to end. No interaction is necessary for licensing, veterinary, or training purposes.”
The customizable traits for pet requests include species, breed, sex, colour, and age. CEO and co-designer of the app, Cass Trayshon, explained that additional criteria would be made available soon, including marketability, showmanship, and mating potential. She called the individual experience offered by the new app “ground-breaking” and expressed her confidence that the app would be a hit.
In an unprecedented move, UberPet held its Initial Public Offering (IPO) before full preparation of the app and investors were invited to the release. Following the announcement, the floor was opened for questions from the crowd. Many sought projected figures of app downloads and revenue, but some had concerns about the app itself. Wall Street broker Harry Beagle addressed Trayshon directly, asking, “What happens if an UberPet animal were to injure another person or animal?”
Beagle’s question was redirected to Kat Sandoggs, Program Official of Ongoing Problems (POOP). Sandoggs reassured the investors that a plan had been put in place in anticipation of liability issues.
“Uber takes the safety of its customers very seriously. Our talented teams of geneticists and breeders are working ‘round-the-clock to ensure the animals we deliver require as little maintenance as possible. We have a patented screening technique to identify the loci of genes affecting aggression, obedience, and friendliness. We are so confident in our selection process that, in the unlikely event that a person is injured by an UberPet product, Uber will assume full legal and financial responsibility for the incident,” she said.
The impressive response received nods of approval from the mostly suit-clad audience, many of whom admitted in post-release discussions that they had never before trained an animal. One investor, who wished to remain anonymous, told The Contrarion he was thankful his lack of experience and knowledge would no longer be a barrier to pet ownership.
“I love the convenience of it all. My daughter has wanted a rabbit for years, but I’m not sure she has the attention span or interest to care for one its whole life. This way, we can have the best of both worlds.”
When asked what he would do if he ordered an animal for his daughter that developed a health issue, the man shrugged, “Return it to Uber, I guess. I don’t really have the time or money to deal with that kind of stuff, to be honest.”
“Or we’d Google it. You can find all the information you need on the internet these days, without wasting your money on a gouging vet.”
The UberPet app will officially launch on Dec. 12.
Photo by Mariah Bridgeman.