An ongoing battle with depression and anxiety
A psychiatrist once explained my mental illness to me in terms of a spectrum.
He said oftentimes depression and anxiety could feed into one another and, furthermore, cause one another. He characterized my struggles as having depression, which led to the development of an anxiety disorder. Having this explanation shed light on the convoluted journey I’d already been on, I could finally begin the road to wellness.
Growing up, I always found school to be easy, so it was a surprise to everyone, including me, when my grades began to drop.
In high school, I found it very difficult to find any sort of motivation to do my work, and I would often seclude myself in my bedroom and escape into books instead. This started a vicious cycle of failed goals and expectations. I developed feelings of helplessness and hopelessness that I couldn’t cope with.
I cut myself as a way to try and release some of the pressure that was building up inside of me. The moment that I resorted to self-harm, I had to admit to myself that I needed help; here was tangible evidence that I wasn’t making these feelings up, that everything was not okay.
I went to my mom and she took me to the doctor. Upon speaking to my doctor, we decided that the best course of action for me was to consult with a psychiatrist, so we booked an appointment.
Meeting with a psychiatrist was a strangely liberating experience, because she handed me a rational explanation for everything that I was feeling, and along with it, my diagnosis of generalized depressive disorder. I started on Prozac, went to individual therapy, and started group therapy as a way for me to understand my mental illness and gain tools that would help me lessen its crushing weight on my mind.
For a while, everything went well. I liked having other people that I could talk freely with about what was happening. After all, I hadn’t told anybody else in my life other than my mom. However, the medication that was prescribed to me wasn’t having the effect that it was supposed to. I did not observe any real change in my mood and it over-stimulated my brain to the point where I had difficulty focusing on anything. I stopped taking the medication and when I graduated high school, I stopped going to therapy as well.
Coming to university, I was riding on a high of excitement and felt that my mood had been better than it had been in a long time, so I did not go out of my way to seek resources to assist me. That’s when my mental illness began to change. I still experienced really bad days where I couldn’t get out of bed except for necessities, like going to the washroom. However, I started to experience other symptoms, like panic attacks.
The first time I had one, I was walking along the sidewalk that runs beside the Richards Building, when all of a sudden I couldn’t breathe. My heart was thundering in my ears and I felt cut off from the world. I was totally convinced that I was having a heart attack and that I was going to die. There was no clear cause of the attack, and it was over just as suddenly as it had begun.
This was my second epiphany. I started looking for help on campus.
The first thing I did to build my support system at the University of Guelph was go to a walk-in appointment with Counselling Services. After I explained my symptoms to a therapist, I also made an appointment with Health Services. This is where I met the aforementioned psychiatrist who changed my outlook.
I was prescribed Effexor, which works in a different way than my previous medication and I have found it to be very effective. I still take it now. I also continue to go to appointments with Counselling Services, but when it used to be regularly, I now only make appointments when I really need to talk. I am slowly on my way to wellness.
There have been many pitfalls during my struggle with mental health and with every heart palpitation or period of sadness, I remember that it’s not over. However, since I asked for help and persevered, I can continue to work towards being the happiest self that I can be.
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