There are a lot of fish in the sea—know which ones to throw back
Some think that online dating is quick and easy—a swipe here, a swipe there, and ta-dah!
In reality, it’s actually incredibly time-consuming to sift through profiles and photos, to answer hundreds of multiple choice questions, to message back and forth for days or even weeks, to set up a date, get ready for a date, and drive to another city only to find that you’re not into this person at all—or worse, you are into this person who is totally not into you.
Time is a precious commodity when online dating and, unfortunately, the internet is full of people who are there to waste your time—whether it’s for their own amusement or because they simply shouldn’t be dating in the first place, the outcome is the same. They’re taking up time that you could be spending finding the kind of relationship you want and deserve.
I’ve been online dating for the better part of my 20s. While that doesn’t make me an expert—because here I am at almost 30 and still single—I have perfected what can be perfected about the online dating experience. Namely, figuring out if the person you’re speaking to online is legitimate and then meeting in person for a “first date” without being stood up, catfished, or harassed. The perfection bar is low, I know, and yet there’s a lot that goes into ticking all those boxes.
Here are five tips that ensure the only thing you’ll need to worry about on a first date is that ever-elusive spark.
1. Use your brain, not your hormonal heart. Your heart is a dumbass.
Watch out for the person who feels or shares way too much too fast. They’re usually intentionally or unintentionally forcing a sense of intimacy.
If they think they love you, see a future with you, or feel like they’ve always known you before you’ve ever met in person (or within a couple of weeks of meeting you), while they may genuinely have these feelings, you shouldn’t trust those feelings.
Fast feelings are fun and dramatic, but disappear just as quickly as they arrive.
They also have nothing to do with you as a person. No matter how amazing you are, if the person you’re dating doesn’t really know you, then that person can’t really love you.
2. Beware of the most amazing monosyllabic wonder!
Are you having a great conversation? Are you sure? Scroll up. Is it an even conversation? Are you being asked questions? Are your questions being responded to with more than a “yes,” “no,” “lol,” “hahaha,” or “you?”
If not, then this person is not that interested in you. Any connection you think you’re having is really just you feeling a connection with yourself—because you’re awesome and you’re running the whole conversation.
The great monosyllabic wonder is playing a magic trick on you: pause your monologue and watch this internet suitor disappear.
3. Demand to see a person’s face.
A few months ago, I was talking to a guy online who I knew wasn’t who he said he was. I was hoping to get a good story out of it or just to learn how these operators operate—and he certainly delivered.
This “man” said he couldn’t show his face in his photos because he was a “business lawyer.” Funny, the dozens of other corporate lawyers seem okay with showing their faces in their photos.
I asked him if he was hiding his face because he’s in a relationship and doesn’t want to be recognized, but he stuck with his business lawyer story (side note: he had quite a bit of trouble explaining what business law was).
He offered to send me a photo of him over a text message; I explained how that doesn’t allow me to verify that the person writing to me is the person in the photos.
I then requested a video chat. He said that he doesn’t mind verifying, but how does he know that I am who I say I am. Oh gee, I don’t know, maybe because I don’t hide my face in my photos, have a really unique name, and everything I’ve ever done can be Googled in about three seconds flat.
He then said that if he did a video chat with me then I could steal his image and photo-edit it onto porn. Apparently I’m some kind of video-editing wizard out to steal handsome faces for the online porn industry.
This is a pretty extreme example, but once you get past the smoking hot photos and the super impressive jobs, then it’s obvious what’s up: catfishery. These people are so full of it that all you need to do is have a laugh, hit “Block and Report,” and be on your way.
4. Ask to speak on the phone or over video chat.
Some people are uncomfortable with this, but can usually wrap their heads around one of these options. And if they can’t, do you really want to date someone who can’t speak to you on the phone for two minutes so that you feel comfortable meeting in person?
The phone call is great if you’re not sure if you’ll actually click with this person or if they have made some awkward statements over text and you want to get a better idea of their tone or sense of humour.
Once, I wasn’t sure about a guy, so I requested speaking on the phone. I learned that we were not compatible fairly quickly because he asked me if I liked scary movies. I said, “No.” He then asked if I had seen a particular one about a serial killer. I said, “No.” He then spent 10 minutes describing the plot of the movie to me in great detail. I think it had something to do with skin-suits, but I’ve pretty much blocked out the memory.
I’m sure he was just nervous and not a murderous raving lunatic, but it was clear that we didn’t have the rapport needed to go on a date.
Maybe phone calls aren’t ideal, but they sure do save the time it takes to get ready and go out for a date. It’s also a lot easier to feel disappointed about a potential someone special when in bed, wearing pyjamas, watching Netflix.
The video chat is great if you’re not sure if the person in the photos is the person messaging you. Just, you know, promise not to video-edit anyone’s face onto the online pornography; it’s a thing that apparently happens and is definitely not cool.
5. Notice if they’re trying to date you up real nice.
If you’ve been speaking to someone for a week online and they have made no mention about maybe meeting for a coffee sometime, then they’re either not a real person or they’re really not a person you should be dating.
Of course they may be waiting on you. So, after a week of no plans mentioned, you should suggest coffee. If the person you’re speaking to isn’t trying to find a date in the next week or two that works for both of you, then move on to someone else.
Agreeing to coffee and then talking about anything that is not related to setting up that date is an avoidance tactic that you should avoid by saying something super smooth like, “You don’t seem interested in meeting me in person! BYE FOREVER!” But, you know, smoother.
Photo by Heather Gilmore.