Profile and first message faux pas
Writing the perfect online dating profile and figuring out just the right first message to send a potential cyber-interest is far from a science. I’m also far from a love scientist, but after years of online dating, there are some things that I come across on a regular basis that evoke an immediate negative response.
While my examples are based on men’s online profiles, I’m sure women have equivalents to many of the following points. Hopefully, reading these will help you spruce up your online dating profile and help you make better connections over the summer term.
Writing “just ask” where your profile should be
Firstly, “just ask” what? This is incredibly unclear, which is frustrating and not at all mysterious. When you date in a world of swiping, saying “just ask” means you’ll get “left” behind.
Let’s assume that it’s a profile where you are supposed to write about yourself. Writing “just ask” in these sections makes it seems like you either don’t have a personality or any interests, or that you aren’t confident enough to share them with people. Writing a profile can be difficult. If you’re really stuck, ask one of your friends how they would describe you and then add a couple of your more unique interests to the mix.
Keyword: unique.
Things that are not unique: camping, hiking, being outdoors, Netflix, and working out. If these are legitimately your only hobbies then try to get a little more specific—why do you love camping? What do you watch on Netflix? Do you do something unique at the gym that could be a conversation starter?
“I’ll fill this out when I have time”
Implying that you’re too busy to write a short paragraph is another response that doesn’t make sense. It also won’t make you particularly appealing online.
If you don’t have time to write a few sentences about yourself (a subject you’ve already studied up on) then how could you possibly have time to talk, go on dates, and start a relationship?Do everyone a favour and disable your dating profile until you “have time;” until you can invest time and energy into dating you’re just wasting everyone else’s time.
Related to this, lately, I’ve noticed a rise in people writing: “Be interesting. Don’t respond with just a ‘Hey.’” If you have nothing in your profile that someone can respond to, then maybe take your own advice and be interesting; give people enough information to ask you a nice question.
Do you remember that timeless romance when one person told the other person to “be interesting” and then whispered softly: “I’m much too busy to put effort into my love life.” No? Weird, it’s such a classic.
Just because you’re cute and online doesn’t mean you can be rude
If you’re genuinely into fitness and working out, there’s nothing wrong with listing those interests in hopes of finding a partner who shares them. What is wrong is putting qualifications on who should message you based on their level of fitness or their looks.
Do not write, “No fat chicks,” or the subtler, “A healthy lifestyle is really important to me, so I want to date someone who prioritizes taking care of herself and staying in shape.”
It’s rude, assumes that people who aren’t a certain body shape and weight don’t take care of themselves, and is simply unnecessary. If someone you aren’t attracted to messages you, then you can choose not to reply to that message.
Please avoid stating things like, “I like blondes,” “I’m a big boobs guy,” or, “Dark hair and light eyes are my kryptonite.” Similarly, women who place height requirements on men are also being rude. If you care about someone’s height, then state your own height and say that you prefer someone taller. Don’t immediately ask him his height or demand that he be 6’3 or whatever you think he should be.
Being explicit about how someone who messages you should look just makes you sound like a superficial person that only other superficial people will want to date.
“Hey gorgeous” and other blanket statements
Now that you’ve written a profile, which includes some information about your personality, lists your unique interests, and doesn’t say anything rude, it’s time to send that first message.
The first message is pretty easy to write if the person has a decent profile. Pick one thing that stands out the most to you and send a quick message about that thing. For example, “Hey, it’s so cool that you have that hobby/interest. How did you get into that?”
When you don’t read a profile at all and message someone based on their pictures alone, remember that a dozen people have already sent a message like this: “Hey gorgeous, you’re so gorgeous, what’s a gorgeous person like you doing online?”“Nice eyes.” “Great hair.” “Beautiful smile.” These things are virtually meaningless because the subtext is that this person wasn’t interested enough to read anything about you.
Answering questions but never asking any—you’re not that interesting
So now you’ve messaged someone and your inbox shows that you’ve received a response. It’s not enough to just reply to their questions. You have to contribute to the conversation as well. Try to take turns asking questions and keep in mind that they should be quality questions.
For example, if someone says, “Where did you most enjoy travelling to?” You could respond and then ask a question: “Rome. How about you?” Or, you could respond and then ask a quality question: “Rome, because I had a good guide and got a real sense of how much history was under my feet. What about you and where would you want to go next?”
Remember to give the person you’re talking to the chance to ask you questions in return; don’t just bombard them with one question after the other.If you find the conversation comes to a halt when you stop asking questions, then this person probably isn’t interested in getting to know you; in this case it’s best to focus on the people who are reciprocating your effort.
Sending messages you’d never say in front of your coworkers/family/most professional friend
I’ve received inappropriate messages, sexual messages, nonsensical messages, and messages that seem to be way too personal, way too long, or way too intense. If you think this will catch someone’s attention, then you’re right. You’re also standing out for all the wrong reasons.If you would get fired if your workplace saw these messages, you wouldn’t say these things in front of your parents or grandparents, or you can think of even one friend who would be perplexed by the message you’re sending, then you’re being a creep, a weirdo, or a creepy weirdo and must immediately stop—please.
Just say hello and ask one short question about the person’s listed interests. If they don’t reply, move on to the next person.
Never harass someone who isn’t replying to you
Sending multiple messages, demanding a response, hurling insults, or making threats is obviously not cool, but it seems like it still needs to be said. Just because you message someone doesn’t mean they owe you a response.There could be several reasons for someone’s silence.
The person you messaged may:
- Be in a new relationship and hasn’t gotten around to taking down their profile yet;
- Is already dating other people;
- Be too busy with school, work, or life at the time of your message;
- Feel you don’t have enough in common or that you aren’t a good match;
- Already be talking to other people on the site or app;
- Be unattracted to you (which doesn’t mean you’re unattractive. People like who they like. Isn’t it better to keep looking for the person who is really into you than sending angry messages to people who aren’t?)
I hope this helps your online dating adventures. May you avoid scammers, creeps, and catfish, and find what you’re looking for.
Photo by Mariah Bridgeman/The Ontarion.