Why you should stop using a mental illness as a flippant excuse
“I’m so OCD, sorry!” Every time I hear this, I have to refrain from either rolling my eyes, or making a snarky comment. When you’ve dealt with the real symptoms of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder for the better part of eight years, it’s hard not to get aggressive and upset when people don’t take it seriously.
According to the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH), Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) affects one in 40 adults. It is one of the hardest mental health disorders to explain and understand, even to someone who has it. OCD consists of intrusive and unwanted sexual, violent, or other distressing thoughts and images that are repetitive and recurring.These are the obsessions. The other part of OCD are the compulsions, which are rituals that the person uses to “get rid of” the thoughts in an attempt to lessen the anxiety surrounding them.
These compulsions can be physical rituals, like tapping the table a certain way or washing hands repetitively, but they can also be mental rituals such as using neutralizing words or images to “balance” the good and bad thoughts, or continuously repeating confirmation phrases, such as: “I wouldn’t do that.”
Taking part in these compulsion rituals doesn’t actually help, and often makes the anxiety worse. Another part of OCD is the use of avoidance tactics — sufferers will avoid the subject of their obsessive thoughts because they think it will help. Nine out of 10 times it doesn’t.
It’s a vicious cycle, one that most people know is irrational — but the anxiety is so high that it feels impossible to stop. OCD affects the person’s daily life, as the thoughts are constant and entirely overwhelming. It can make getting out of bed each morning extremely hard, and can make things like schoolwork and socialization near impossible. It’s a battle against your own mind, every minute of every day. It’s exhausting.I was first diagnosed with OCD when I was in Grade 8. I remember running back and forth from the bathroom to my bedroom, sobbing, but I couldn’t stop because the steps didn’t “feel right.” My rationale was that if I stepped too hard on one spot, the floor would collapse, and my family would die.
When I finally got to my room, I would get in and out of bed a million times, because every time I sat down I would get a distressing, inappropriate sexual thought. I couldn’t get in bed until I’d thought of a “safe” image — sometimes, this could take hours, and even then, it didn’t “feel right.”
I was lucky enough to be treated at the brilliant SickKids Hospital in Toronto starting when I was 16, thanks to a family member who was already an inpatient. After years of not understanding why I felt the way I did, I was diagnosed with OCD, depression, and anxiety. The relief at having a name for what I was experiencing was overwhelming.
At the hospital, I did a special form of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) geared towards OCD, alongside another treatment called Exposure Therapy until I was 18. According to the Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA), CBT “teaches you how your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours work together, and teaches skills like solving problems, managing stress, realistic thinking and relaxation.”
Exposure Therapy, or Exposure and Response Prevention, aims to make the person sit with and acknowledge their thoughts without performing compulsions. The latter, for me, was particularly helpful.
I was also started on an antidepressant medication that doubled as treatment for OCD. After trying a few different medications, I landed on one that began to work tremendously. I was finally able to feel good again. There were still bad days, but when they hit, they felt more bearable.After reaching the cut-off age for treatment at the children’s hospital, I was directed to a therapist in Guelph. Since my OCD felt under control to a certain extent, I saw her for years for my depression and anxiety.
However, as the years passed, I forgot ways to combat the obsessive thoughts. I’ve spent the last three years trying to find an OCD specialist, to no avail.
As well as being difficult to understand and explain, OCD is also one of the hardest mental health disorders to get treatment for. As I’ve mentioned, successful treatments exist, but it’s felt impossible to get access to in Guelph. The surrounding cities and towns have treatment programs, but often don’t accept patients without referrals, and even then, the programs are usually at full capacity.
After trying hard for the last three years to find treatment, I was finally directed to a psychiatrist at Homewood Health who specializes in OCD medication. Through this psychiatrist, I was referred to the Anxiety Research and Treatment Centre at St. Joseph’s Hospital, where I will, finally, be starting an OCD program in January.
I was lucky when I was 16 to get into SickKids, and I’m lucky again now. It infuriates me how hard it’s been in the last few years to get help, but I want others to know that help for this disorder does exist.Keep trying, keep seeing doctor after doctor, because you don’t know who will open the right door for you. Don’t be afraid of medication or therapy — both things have helped to save my life.
The last few years have felt like forever, but I made it — and so can you. You are not your thoughts, and you are not your disorder. Most importantly, you are not alone.
Graphic by Alora Griffiths/The Ontarion