From a woman who’s fed up
Last week, I took a guy’s number. He called me pretty and said we should hang. I said, “Sure, why not?”
Later that day, I decided I wasn’t into it. I was polite in my text: “I’m flattered, but I’m not looking for anything right now.”
He replied that he was cool with being friends.
A few minutes later, he messaged me again.
“Are you against anything, like… forever?”
I was caught off guard. He sent another couple texts about how beautiful he thought I was, and I tried to think of a response. I felt overwhelmed — I thought I’d been clear.
“I know it took guts to approach me,” I texted, “but I’m going to say no.”
“I can respect that,” came his response.
I still felt uneasy, but I let it slide. Then, as I was making dinner later, my phone buzzed. He was calling me.
I didn’t pick up.
“I’m a bit confused,” came a text moments later. “You seemed pumped in person.” I didn’t text him back. At this point, I’d said no twice.My first thought had been to apologize for not being attracted to him. Then I started to feel guilty for supposedly “leading him on.” Were either of these things my fault?
The answer: no.
I didn’t apologize.
For the rest of the day, I was discouraged and tired, ready to write off men forever.
Then some guys in my life became small beacons of light.
If any of you read my Men-struation article from a few weeks ago, you’ll know that I’ve been pleasantly surprised by guys in my life lately. This week was no different.
The night of the texting ordeal, my friend Mitch picked me up to go to the movies. I spent the whole drive ranting about my experience that afternoon. I finished the story and took a breath, and then Mitch said: “Why is he so hung up on the ‘for now’? Even if you said yes then, you’re saying no now.” I was stunned. And elated. Was this really coming casually from a guy’s mouth?Likewise, my younger brother was quick to remind me that I didn’t owe anyone anything, especially not a man.
My friend Craig told me that he was sorry that it happened, and that he was willing to listen if I needed it.
My friend Jake B. was all ears on FaceTime as I ranted for an hour, and was genuinely incredulous at the actions of this guy.
My friend Jake M. spoke at The Vagina Monologues. “Men recognize me as another straight, white man,” he said, “and therefore think they can get away with comments that objectify women and contribute to the rape culture that has persisted in defiance of reason and decency… I promise to challenge every bigoted comment that I hear with fact, rhetoric, and righteousness on my side… because those of us who have been given the most in society have the duty to give the most back.” I left the theatre in tears, and hugged him for longer than he may have wanted. I thanked him then, but I still don’t know if he knows how much I meant it.I am not an apologist. In daily life, I call out sexism when I see it. I refuse to ignore the way men have acted in the past and continue to act today — you don’t get points for doing the bare minimum. Not when women around the world are still being harassed, raped, and killed for simply being women. Not when women can’t even have a conversation with a guy and decline an invitation, only to be pushed and made to feel guilty and uncomfortable. However, I do think it’s important to recognize the ones who are firmly with us. We see you. Thank you to the ones who are honestly, genuinely, truly beside us in this fight. Who aren’t afraid when a woman can do something better than them, but who aren’t condescending when she asks for help. Who tell their friends that a comment wasn’t cool. Because it’s these small things that will ultimately lead us to the biggest changes.
Thank you.
Photo by Alora Griffiths/The Ontarion