Why saying no to a friend may be important for your own mental health
I used to be the girl who wanted my friends to be my counselors. I wanted these people that I loved to be able to fix my mental health problems, to solve things for me, to make me better — and I would get upset (and even more depressed) when they couldn’t. I’ve learned that it doesn’t work like that.
Here are the top three things that I’ve learned through my own experiences, whether it’s as the friend who’s suffering, or as the support.
You can say no. Sometimes it’s that simple, really. If you’re dealing with your own stuff, you’re allowed to say you’re not able to drop something off at their house, or you can’t go talk to their professor for them, or you can’t call in sick for them at work. Some of my friends bend over backwards for me, and I didn’t realize that while I was outwardly suffering, they were suffering on the inside and didn’t feel they could tell me.That was the last thing I wanted to happen, and I wish I had known sooner.
If you say yes, know where to draw the line. If your friend is having trouble getting out of bed in the morning, you can help by sending them texts or calling them as an alarm, if it’s not disrupting your morning routine. But where this gets problematic is when you become overwhelmed by the pressure of it, or your friend is making you do all the work. If they’re not turning their ringer on or ignoring your texts on purpose, it’s not your responsibility to go farther down the rescue hole. People have to want help, because if they don’t, you can’t make them.
If you need to remove yourself from a situation, it doesn’t make you a bad person. As friends, we feel the need to try and help our friends with their problems. If you’re like me, you take on the emotional burden yourself, and then end up overwhelmed and burnt-out.If a friend makes you feel bad for refusing to try and solve their mental health issues, or guilts you into sticking around, you need to get out. You can connect them with the services they need, or let a professional know, but you’re allowed to distance yourself. It’s not healthy for you, and it’s not healthy for your friend to depend on you.
To those suffering from mental health disorders: This does not mean you are a burden. It means that while you can rely on friends and family for moral support and love, they have a right to their own lives. You owe it to them, and to yourself, to see a mental health professional.
Photo by Alora Griffiths/The Ontarion