Protesters argue that diverse filmmaking threatens continuity in the “Hollywood Expanded Universe”
With Marvel’s latest blockbuster Black Panther breaking countless records after its release in February, some angry white guys have spoken out against what they see as an unrealistic lack of white guys among the cast.
“I just don’t get it,” said “out and proud” white man Jack Lodge. “There are white people everywhere around the globe — we friggin’ took over, man. Why wouldn’t we be out of Africa like my girl Meryl Streep? I just don’t buy it.” Some of these critics have argued that Black Panther is playing fast and loose with the consistency of what they call the “Hollywood Expanded Universe” (HEU) — the world in which all movies ever made exist and make sense together.“In the HEU, it just doesn’t make sense to have an all-black movie set in Africa,” said local white guy Josh Taylor. “In the HEU, black people are only indigenous to barbershops. The only real thing about this movie was the talk of vibranium — everyone knows that the indestructible metal is the basis for Captain America’s dope-ass shield, and he got that shit from Africa. So I’m glad they got that fact right, even if the rest of the film was inaccurate.”
Another local white guy, James McDonald, echoed Taylor’s concerns. “In that scene at the museum in London, we hear that Killmonger thinks the artifacts were stolen. That doesn’t make sense. Museums don’t just steal artifacts.”
Taylor elaborated: “The Indiana Jones movies have conclusively demonstrated that, in the HEU, indigenous cultures abide by a ‘finders keepers’ system of ownership. The real question is whether or not whoever took the Wakandan artifacts was able to slip a bag of sand onto the pedestal without triggering the big ball from rolling down the passage.”
Taylor also pointed out that Killmonger himself doesn’t make sense in the HEU: “A willful, strong, black anti-hero with a badass attitude? I mean, sure, but he’d have to be played by a white guy in makeup.”
Black Panther, said Taylor, is only one part of a problem that is sweeping the movie industry. Best Picture winner The Shape of Water, he said, also flouts the rules of the HEU: “Woman falls in love with fish-man. Got it, love it, that’s some classic Beauty and the Beast shit right there. But women masturbating and artists being gay? Talk about jumping the shark.” Taylor and his group are taking action. “We’ve organized a protest on Reddit,” said Taylor. “We’re really doing something powerful here.”Plans for the protest include kicking gravel by the bleachers while talking about how awesome Ready Player One is, and then heading to Papa John’s for a slice of meat lovers.
Photo edited by Alora Griffiths/The Ontarion