Greg, grief, and my mother’s story
About a decade ago I taught a student whose story I felt compelled to share as 1 in 5 Mental Well-being Awareness Week takes place between Nov. 4 and 10. For the purposes of this article I will call this student Greg, though that was not his name. Greg was invisible when I taught him Grade 10 English. He was 14 and new at the school. He showed up to class in body, but he never spoke or handed in any assignments. He quickly vanished at the end of each class. Needless to say, he was failing the course.
I asked the office about Greg’s background, thinking perhaps he had special learning needs. That’s when I learned his mother had recently died of cancer. After learning this, I asked Greg to stay after class. Once we were alone, I shared my own mother’s story with him.
My mom came to Canada from Hungary as a 14-year-old orphan. The Holocaust set in motion nightmare after nightmare. When my mom was six years old, her father was snatched from her family and forced into a special army unit for Jewish men. Jews replaced dogs to find landmines. Needless to say, he never returned. At 11 years old, my maternal grandmother was gassed to death at Dachau Concentration Camp. My mom then lived in the ghetto with her little sister and younger cousins before being rescued and eventually brought to Canada.
When mom started her new life in Toronto, she had a choice: she could either hold on to her grief or choose to live her life so her parents would be proud of her. She chose the latter. She used the gift of life to become a special education teacher, married my father, raised a family, and took in foster children from both the Jewish Family and Children’s Service and Catholic Children’s Aid Society. Today, at age 86, she continues to help others through different kinds of volunteer work.
I asked Greg one more thing: “Why don’t you try living your life so your mother would be proud of you?”
As the months unfolded, Greg began participating in class discussions and handing in work. His marks improved and he made friends in class. One day he stayed behind and asked me, “Did you see I’m participating more?” To which I replied, “Oh yes. I’m proud of you, and I know someone else who is very proud of you too.”
Grief can hit you any time. It can be due to many things, such as the loss of a loved one, going to a new school, or a change of living arrangements. It can be overwhelming or like a dull throb in the background. But there are things you can do for yourself and others who are experiencing grief.
Everybody deals with grief in different ways. University of Guelph Counsellor, Stella Mfoafo-M’Carthy, explains: “Different strategies work differently for different people. Friends and family can offer practical assistance, such as meal preparation, housecleaning, and so on. They do not have to be prescriptive in their support — do not tell people how they should feel and what they should do. The person who has experienced the loss needs time to identify and express their feelings. Friends and family can ask open-ended questions and be supportive of the person. Sometimes just being present, sitting with the person in silence, or giving a hug, if requested by the person, can help. Ask how you can be helpful and don’t make assumptions.”
Some strategies to work through grief that Mfoafo-M’Carthy shared with me include:
- Seeking support from friends and family
- Getting professional counselling
- Keeping a grief diary, memory book, collage, or jar to record thoughts and feelings in
- Joining a support group
- Taking care of your physical health
- Crying if and when needed
- Participating in life-giving activities with others, and not isolating yourself
Sel M Mullins, a registered massage therapist and grief ritual facilitator, suggests students find safe ways to ‘externalize’ their grief, especially when they feel it rising to the surface. This can be done by yelling out their feelings in a private space away from others, sharing grief with compassionate friends in self-created ‘releasing rituals’ next to bodies of water. Water in nature, for example, can help to release tears of grief.
Best-selling author Laurie M. Martin is a certified trauma specialist and a critical incident responder who believes grief shows itself in many ways. Martin has been involved with several disasters, including the Oklahoma City Bombing, the Walkerton Water Crisis, 9/11, and most recently the hurricanes in 2018.
The Ontarion had the opportunity to ask Martin what can help people who are working through grief. Martin suggested using the analogy of a suitcase: “Allow yourself to go into that suitcase and pull out some thoughts and feelings, think about them, then return them.
“If we did that daily, it would help us to understand and feel, instead of keeping it all locked up with the lid closed,” Martin continued. “If a person is feeling pain, own it, think about it, feel it, don’t handle it too long, put it back into the suitcase, and go on with your day.
“If grief comes rushing up again, even if it’s 15 minutes later, grab it, own it, feel it, think about it, and put it back in the suitcase. The more we do this, the more we’re doing the work of grief,” Martin explained. “All of a sudden, time will go along and you will notice you’re not grabbing those thoughts and feelings as often. This is a good sign, as long as you know you have to do this work once in a while as part of your healing.”
When I’m flooded with sadness, I think of my teenage mother living her life so her parents would be proud of her. Then I remember Greg, who is living his life, making his mother proud. The work of grief can be long and difficult, but working through it helps make it more manageable. Doing this work is an important way to honour what you are grieving and move towards leading a happier life.
Helpful resources for U of G students
- In case of an emergency call Campus Community Police at ext. 2000 or call 911.
- For after-hours mental health support, call Good2Talk, a free confidential and anonymous helpline that offers counselling for Ontario’s post-secondary students at 1-866-925-5454 or go to www.good2talk.ca
- Wellness Education Centre, 519-824-4120 x 53327 wellness@uoguelph.ca
- Student Support Network, peer-support drop-in service, located in Raithby House
- Crisis Text Line, students can text U of G to 686868 using their text or SMS-enabled device. No data plan or Internet connection required
- Counselling Services, 519-824-4120 x 53244 counsell@uoguelph.ca
- Multi-Faith Resource Team, 519-824-4120 x 58104 faith@uoguelph.ca
Illustrations by Barbara Salsberg Mathews | Follow Barbara on Instagram @maddysmom_4u
Brilliant – I love this !
Suitcase is ready!