Snow plows carry out dirty work for vengeful Guelphites
Guelph residents can now harness the power of winter. Thanks to the city’s new 24/7 Snow-In service, people can request snowplows to carry out their own personal vendettas against anyone of their choosing, for a small fee.
By using the Snow-In smartphone app, vengeance is just a click away. Pinpoint any house or business in Guelph and a snowplow will dump a mountain of snow in front of your target’s property, thus blocking them in.
Results are truly satisfying. Take pleasure in your annoying neighbour finding three metres of snow blocking their driveway. Sleep well knowing that your jerk boss won’t be able to make it into work in the morning. Rejoice knowing that your ex is being buried under a wall of snow.
Anonymous Hits are recommended, but personalized Friendly Hits featuring a message to your target are also available. Messages are rolled up inside a thermos and placed atop your target’s freshly received snow heap.
Popular messages include:
- “Dear BLANK, stay away from my wife.”
- “Dear BLANK, your dog keeps pooping on my lawn. Take this.”
- “Howdy neighbour, I hope you have a good day.”
Timing is also a consideration. Plan your Hits at opportune moments to fully enhance their effect. For your neighbour, strategic times include:
- Just after they’ve shovelled their driveway
- Just as they are backing out of their driveway
- Just as their despised in-laws arrive for dinner, so that you may trap them there for the weekend.
For best results, wrap yourself up in a blanket with a cup of hot chocolate and watch from the comfort of home using Snow-In’s Hi-Def Snowcam that beams the action directly to your TV. Invite family and friends over to relish in the event — gather around and watch as your neighbour falls down on their knees in agonizing defeat.
Since the program rolled out on Feb. 29, business has been booming. An estimated 120 Snow-In Hits are carried out each day in Guelph alone. Customers report “great satisfaction” and “huge enjoyment” with the Snow-In service. Some customers even barrage their target repeatedly over the course of a few days, which the company calls the special Snowmageddon package deal (when you order three consecutive Snow-Ins the fourth is free).
The Snow-In service is currently taking orders for next year’s “season’s greeting” hit list.
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https://www.theontarion.com/2019/03/city-of-guelph-offers-snow-in-service-for-vindictive-residents/ is this a joke ..if it is I find it in rather poor taste..and a waste of your funding
Hi Waldo,
It is a joke. The Contrarion, our satirical issue, has been put out for decades at U of G as a way for students to have a laugh before the stress of exams and for our contributors to practice a different form of writing. A volunteer contributor wrote this article and we are here to help support our volunteers write what they find of interest. We also think people find it increasingly difficult to tell the difference between fake news and real news and this is a good reminder not to trust everything you read, no matter what the source is. Thanks for your comment and for reading.