Doug Ford gets schooled in the ways of government
In mid-February, Doug Ford, premier of Ontario and leader of the Ontario PC party, decided he would like to increase his power within the province. After meeting with the members of his cabinet, Ford realized that his best plan of action for achieving his goal would to be to cut the number of MPPs in half. This way, it would be easier for Ford to receive total control of the provincial government, as fewer officials would need to be elected.
“After meeting with my minions [what Ford calls the members of his cabinet], I decided, completely on my own, that it would be a brilliant idea to chop the provincial government in half,” said Ford, premier and former hash dealer. “That way there would be fewer seats to fill, and I would have an easier time getting my friends into office.”
Ford’s plan has been seen as a positive step forward by many within his cabinet. Some saw it as a responsible and forward-thinking approach towards achieving total, absolute control over the province.
“I think Dougie is really showing initiative here,” said Rob Tavern, a former candidate to be Ontario’s top cop and Ford’s former partner in crime during his hash selling heyday in the 1980s. “I don’t know for sure if it can be done, but if anyone can do it, it’ll be good ol’ Dougie.”
Ford is almost certain that his new proposed plan will be accepted by the Ontario legislature. So certain, that is, that he decided to make a bet with former premier, Dalton McGuinty.
“Dally doesn’t believe that I can do it, so I made an offer he couldn’t refuse,” says the Buck-O-Beer spokesperson. “I told him I’d give three cases of No Name beer and an ounce of hash.”
Later in the week, though, it appeared Ford’s hopes and dreams were to be crushed by none other than the lieutenant governor. When Elizabeth Dowdeswell caught wind of Ford’s plan, she immediately knew she had to put an end to it. Dowdeswell, who was appointed by Stephen Harper, believes that Ford is bringing shame to her beloved PC party.
“He does know he literally isn’t allowed to do that, right?” Dowdeswell asked Ford, who was visibly upset with the news.
Ford claimed that he was going to take a chapter from his hero, Donald Trump’s, book. As everyone in the province seemingly already compares the premier to the president, this seemingly comes as no surprise. Ford seems to have been inspired by the recent government shut down in the South and wants to begin one of his own.
“If Dowdeswell won’t allow me to chop the government in half, I’ll shut this whole province down, just like my homeboy Trump did in the good ol’ U.S. of A”, claims the former “Mayor of Etobicoke.” After hearing Ford’s response, Dowdeswell was clearly flabbergasted. She is now demanding re-election, and an investigation into how fit Ford is to run the province.
“Seriously, how did this goof get into office? Like, did the province vote midday on St. Paddy’s or something? Clearly, Ford is not fit for office, and I want to call a re-election,” a clearly happy Dowdeswell stated.
As of yet, the re-election has not received a date, but it is expected to take place sometime in the upcoming weeks. Voters are asked to strongly think long and hard before voting and are encouraged to please stay away from any inebriating substances at least three hours before casting their votes.
The Contrarion reached out to the office of the prime minister for comment to ask about the proposed changes to Queen’s Park and if the premier has the authority to dissolve ridings.
“Yeah, no,” the statement from Prime Minister Trudeau read. “That’s going to be a big no from me, dawg. Could you explain that to Doug when you interview him? I’ve tried to over and over and he still doesn’t get it.”
Photo courtesy of Graeme MacKay