Asexuality Defined
Something many Asexuals have heard when coming out is, “Oh I’m also trying out celibacy,” but asexuality is very different from just abstaining from sex.
Put simply, asexuality is a term for an orientation describing individuals who experience little or no sexual attraction. While someone who identifies as asexual, or “ace,” does not experience sexual attraction, many ace folks, including myself, are actually quite curious as to what that feels like. When discussing any orientation we must remember that human sexuality is complicated and all of these terms represent a wide spectrum of experiences. Within the ace community there are many ways for people to identify.
An estimated one per cent of the population is asexual, but because of the limited coverage on asexuality and it being considered an umbrella term, accurate sampling for asexuality has proven to be difficult. The fact that asexuality is an umbrella term is not a downside though, as it means that the ace community is very inclusive and makes room for the many ways people may want to identify.
Here is a guide to understanding a little bit more about asexuality and all the terms that someone can identify themselves by.
Fun Fact:
Some asexuals wear black rings on the middle finger of their right hand to identify their asexuality.
Different Kinds of Attraction
Everyone knows sexual and romantic attraction, but there are two other types of attraction as well: aesthetic and sensual.
Aesthetic attraction is being attracted to someone’s appearance, and sensual attraction includes things like cuddling, kissing and hugging.
Aromantic vs. Asexual
Just because someone is asexual does not necessarily mean that they do not want to be in a relationship. And, just because someone is asexual and does not feel sexual attraction, does not mean they do not feel romantic, aesthetic or sensual attraction.
When someone doesn’t want to be in a relationship, this is known as being “aromantic.”
Someone who is asexual can be interested in being in a relationship, which means they would be asexual, but in this case, they would not be aromantic.
Dating does not make someone who is asexual any less of a part of the asexual community.
Fun Fact:
No one really knows where the saying “Asexuals love dragons” came from, although some speculate that it came from an interview with J.K. Rowling. When asked if Charlie was interested in romance, Rowling replied, “He’s probably more interested in dragons.”
Romantic Orientations
For Asexuals who feel romantic attraction or wish to be in a relationship, there are many different romantic orientations that they can be a part of.
Heteroromantic:
Romantic attraction to the opposite gender.
Homoromantic:
Romantic attraction to the same gender.
Biromantic:
Romantic attraction to multiple genders.
Panromantic:
Romantic attraction without gender being considered.
Aromantic:
No attraction or desire for a relationship.
Gray-Romantic:
In-between aromantic and experiencing romantic attraction. Someone who is gray-romantic may experience romantic attraction, but not very often, or experience romantic attraction but do not want a relationship.
Demi-Romantic:
A subdivision of Gray-Romantic, where someone who identifies with this label will only feel romantic attraction after developing an emotional connection.
There are also many other romantic orientations on the aromantic spectrum that someone can identify by. For example, someone could describe themselves as gray-sexual — referring to someone who occasionally feels sexual attraction, but not very often — or demi-sexual — meaning someone who feels sexual attraction only after developing an emotional connection.
Despite what some may say, gray-sexuals and demi-sexuals are welcome in the ace community, as many people who identify with those labels have very similar experiences to those who are asexual.
Fun Fact:
Asexuals loving cake originated from the “Better than Sex Cake,” and new members on the asexuality.org website are welcomed with cake.
Attitude Towards Sex
When I was younger, I believed that in order to be asexual I had to be disinterested in sex. I thought if I disliked the idea of sex, I was simply immature and would grow out of it. This is not necessarily true at all.
There are three outlooks that asexual people can take towards sex.
Sex-Favourable:
Willing to compromise with a partner, open to finding new ways to experience sexuality.
Sex-Indifferent:
Occasionally can compromise on some things, doesn’t enjoy sex often but is not upset by the thought of sex.
Sex-Adverse/Repulsed:
Unwilling to compromise, dislikes the idea of having sex.
The Asexual community is a very open and accepting one. Even if you are uncertain if you are asexual, it is more than alright to consider yourself asexual for a time in your life and change your label later. With many different labels to express yourself by, everyone can feel welcomed in this community. If you are interested in learning more about asexuality or you believe you may be asexual, the Asexual Visibility and Education Network at asexuality.org is a great place to start.
A version of this article appeared in print in The Ontarion issue 188.2 on February 13, 2020.
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