Keeping love alive 
during a global pandemic

Why it’s time to ditch the stigma around couples therapy, and look at what it can do for you

Over the past 12 months, the pandemic has forced many of us into navigating new relationship territory, from learning to abruptly live together or stay apart for lengths of time, to working at home or being laid off.

Research has shown that periods of stress can increase tension in relationships, especially when that stress is related to economic hardship and unemployment, according to the Vanier Institute.

CBC reported that law firms like Toronto-based Shulman & Partners have seen a 40 per cent increase in calls from couples seeking divorce since the pandemic began.

“This is a tremendously stressful time in ways that many of us have never faced like this before. Additionally, we’re in a rough part of the year for seasonal depression,” Ruthie Neustifter, the academic program director for the Couple & Family Therapy Centre at the U of G 
told The Ontarion.

“Taking care of ourselves and our relationships is a complicated thing, and unfortunately there’s no quick or easy magic trick to getting through this.”

With this in mind, one would expect couples therapy to be a booming industry right now — but that’s not entirely the case.

In a survey The Ontarion conducted with 80 respondents, 51 per cent said that they had experienced increased strain in their relationships with their partners since the pandemic began. Yet only 17.5 per cent considered couples therapy as a solution, and only 9 per cent had attended a couples therapy session during the pandemic — meaning 82.5 per cent of respondents had not considered couples therapy, and 91 per cent had not attended a session during the pandemic, despite over half of respondents claiming to feel more stress in 
their relationship.

When asked why, the two most common responses were cost concerns and that it wasn’t needed in the relationship yet. Several respondents also said that one partner wanted to go to couples therapy, but the other didn’t.

These responses were not entirely surprising. According to renowned marriage and relationship expert John Gottman, the average couple is unhappy for six years before turning to 
couples therapy.

Registered social worker Victoria Bonanno told The Ontarion she thinks the reason is that people view couples therapy as something only for relationships in crisis.

She noted that many people view couples counselling as a courtroom where you have to prove your guilt or innocence — another common misconception. Your therapist is not going to tell you what to do; they’re not life coaches or referees, but rather, act as a moderator to help you work through your problems as a couple.

“Some people might not want to admit that they’re struggling, and contacting a therapist feels like acknowledging that,” Neustifter said.

“Therapy can also be very expensive, which is part of why services like ours are so important. It may also feel odd to think about telling a stranger such personal things about your life and relationship; thankfully a good therapist is trained to help make it feel safe to do so.”

So the question is, is couples therapy for you?

The short answer is, probably.

Most experts believe that therapy can be an important part of your relationship, and that couples should seek therapy long before they think they “need” to.

According to child, youth, and adult counselor Jordan Coles, “a lot of people view couples therapy as a last attempt before they end it. It’s like being on a ventilator.”

However, he agrees that it shouldn’t be.

“Therapy shouldn’t be a last resort for a relationship, but for a lot of people it is, and that usually makes it one-sided by the time they get there.”

The internet is abound with studies, articles, and experts all pointing to couples therapy as a key tool in your relationship at any stage.

“Relationship therapy is a wonderful way to invest in supporting the success of your relationship, whether you’re struggling, wanting to grow your relationship, or could simply use a place to process things with someone who doesn’t take sides or spread gossip,” Neustifter said.

“While many people wait to see us until they’re quite distressed, we are always happy when people come in before that point.”

Coles noted that it’s OK to be nervous when meeting a counselor for the first time, and that they’re trained to listen without judgement.

“It can be good to have a third party who isn’t emotionally involved to bounce what you’re saying back to you and your partner, and in a lot of cases just saying things out loud can relieve a lot of tension in a relationship,” he said.

He added that it’s also important to shop around for 
a counselor.

“It’s like finding a good hairdresser. No one will be offended if you cancel or book with someone you connect with more,” 
Coles said.

Changes and challenges during COVID-19

Despite a seemingly common resistance to couples therapy and an increased interest in divorce, some practices have seen an increase in their client numbers.

While Bonanno’s practice saw an initial drop-off at the beginning of the pandemic when everything was moved to an online format, Registered Psychotherapist Hari Chettiar’s Guelph-based practice has seen the ratio of couples to individuals increase from three out of 10 to around six out of 10 since the pandemic began.

He believes the increase is likely due in part to the fact that our pre-pandemic coping mechanisms, which allowed us to take time apart or to de-stress, aren’t accessible right now.

“People are being contained within their homes without coping strategies. [Couples counselling] just becomes such a necessity, and people are willing to be and try whatever they need to,” 
he said.

There are a myriad of challenges that come with online counselling, though.

Chettiar and Bonanno both agreed that video sessions limit their ability to take note of the physical cues (like foot tapping or fidgeting, for example) that they would usually be looking for.

When sessions are in person, masks also prevent them from seeing the clients’ facial expressions.

What experts recommend to maintain a healthy relationship during COVID-19

Because the pandemic has changed all of our routines so much, Bonanno says that flexibility is key for maintaining healthy relationships right now, and to balance your time accordingly: it’s important to remember that we are all in new and changing situations, and everyone is experiencing the effects of the pandemic differently.

For long-distance relationships, she suggests regularly checking in with texts and video calls, and even doing “cheesy stuff like sending something in the mail.” The important part, she says, is that you are taking time to intentionally connect.

For those who are living in close-quarters with their significant others, she suggests being intentional about taking independent time for yourself, “whether that means going for a walk or reading a book or calling your own friends.”

It’s important to remember that we are all in new and changing situations, and everyone is experiencing the effects of the pandemic differently.

However, she also notes that it’s important to be intentional about the time spent together.

“Sometimes people think, well, I’ve been around you all day,” she says, but have only been doing things in proximity to each other, and the time spent hasn’t been intimate in any way. To maintain your relationship, she suggests regularly taking time to do something together where you’re completely present.

Beyond couples therapy, Chettiar suggests being aware of the three gauges in your relationship: connection, distress and anxiety in the relationship, and the workload.

Chettiar says that the first two gauges, respectively, tend to work opposite each other.

“When the connection gauge goes down, distress and anxiety in the relationship go up,” he said.

“So when people are fighting over the little things like laundry or whatever, that’s when connection is low and stress is higher in the relationship. When the connection is higher, the distress tends to be lower, so that’s when we’re able to casually brush things off.”

What often tends to influence this fluctuation is the third gauge: “When the workload is really high, more often than not, what tends to happen is the connection starts to go down because we don’t have the time and energy, and distress is high.”

However, he notes that when you become aware of where your gauges are, “you can consciously take an audit of your life situation.” Put simply, it’s helpful for people to be aware of how much they are throwing themselves into work and their level of connection with their partner.

Similarly, Neustifter emphasized strengthening the connection between partners.

“I’d encourage folks to take some time to gently think about the feelings they would like to have more of in their relationship again, and what those feelings mean to them as individuals and couples,” they said.

“Next, what little things help address that meaning and give that feeling, and how can we add the easiest ones into our days.”

 

 

A version of this article appeared in print in The Ontarion issue 190.2 on Jan. 28, 2021

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