Guelph Queer Equality’s “speed-friending” event hopes to bring ace and aro folks together despite lack of understanding from other communities
Last month, Guelph Pride hosted an online Ace & Aro Friend Festival as part of their Winter Pride lineup. As a less acknowledged part of the LGBTQIA+ community, the goal of the event was to give ace and aro (asexual and aromantic) folks the chance to interact with like-minded individuals.
The two-hour event used a speed-dating format called “speed-friending,” with discussion prompts to get the conversation started between participants and hopefully jumpstart new friendships.
Prizes were given out to four randomly-chosen participants, who each received one of two $20 gift cards to The Guildsmen Cafe, a $35 gift card to The Dragon, or a $35 gift card to The Bookshelf.
The idea initially started before the pandemic as an in-person speed-friending event put on by Guelph Queer Equality (GQE) for the larger LGBTQIA+ community. Participants got to interact with the help of prompts and then move on until they met everyone in the room.
However, with pandemic restrictions preventing another in-person event, the queer resource and support service OUTline reached out to Guelph Pride to host an online version of speed-friending.
The experience was fun and wholesome, and it was exclusive to those on the asexual or aromantic spectrum, which was why I got to attend!
I’ve been publicly out as aro and ace for nearly a year now, and finding a community of other queer people has left me feeling lighter and happier than I’ve ever been. However, I still feel a sense of misunderstanding between some of my peers who aren’t also aro or ace.
I remember coming out to a queer friend of mine who tried to relate her experiences to me by saying that she had an ace friend. It felt like talking with someone who didn’t understand me but was awkwardly trying to express their support. The sentiment is appreciated and preferred to the non-supportive alternative, but it’s also obvious that many still don’t understand us.
So let’s clear this up; asexual folks are those who rarely or never experience sexual, whereas aromantic people rarely or never experience romantic attraction. A person can be asexual, aromantic, or both at the same time. There are also other identities within these spectrums, such as demisexuals and demiromantics, who only experience attraction after forming an emotional connection with someone.
— Bella, Guelph Pride co-chair and member of GQE
We’re not exactly at the forefront of LGBTQIA+ representation, which is why not a lot of people know about us, and it’s also why some of us might be hesitant to come out. For this reason, having events like the Ace & Aro Friend Festival is crucial to our community.
Before attending the event, I had the opportunity to speak with Bella, one of Guelph Pride’s co-chairs and member of GQE. As someone on the ace spectrum themself, they were able to understand and express some of the struggles we go through.
“For ace and aro folks, it can sometimes be a little difficult to meet friends or even potential partners (if they’re into that) because there isn’t as much knowledge or even sometimes acceptance of ace and aro identities within the LGBTQ community or in the rest of the community,” said Bella.
“So it’s really important for us to establish a safe place where folks know what your identity is so you don’t have to explain it … It just takes away a lot of that pressure.”
Another issue we ace and aro folks have to deal with this time of year is Valentine’s Day. If you’ve ever been single in February and felt uncomfortable by the flaunting of love and romance, then you’ve experienced what some of us might feel during the holiday.
It’s for this reason that the event was hosted the day before Valentine’s; ace and aro participants had the chance to meet in a comfortable space during a time when existing misconceptions about their identities can feel even more difficult to deal with.
For example, there’s a common misconception that ace and aro-spectrum identities are not real because non ace and aro people also don’t experience attraction right away. However, this statement seems inconsistent with the prevalence of hookup culture and instant crushes, which are considered normal to many.
The experience can be extremely isolating and confusing, especially since queer folks who experience sexual and romantic attraction can also sometimes contribute to the stigma due to a lack of understanding.
“It feels kind of like the oppression Olympics where ace and aro folks don’t experience the same amount of violence or bullying, or whatever other LGBTQ folks experience, we don’t apparently experience enough of it,” explained Bella. “A lot of hurtful things have been said in those spaces, so it’s definitely like having to prove your queerness.”
I was also affected by this stigma, which delayed me in realizing I was queer. I remember reading the definition for demisexuality and thinking ‘that’s how I experience attraction, so that must be how everyone experiences attraction.’ It wasn’t until years after that I did some research and soul-searching and realized this wasn’t the case, and I had to reconsider my sexuality altogether.
By speaking with Bella, I was able to confirm that this experience can be common amongst ace and aro people.
“For folks who aren’t familiar with [ace and aro identities], [the Ace & Aro Friend Festival] is a really good opportunity to explore because people often don’t recognize that they might also be part of that identity until they have the language … I would really encourage anyone to explore those identities and see how they relate to them.”
While GQE and OUTline hope to host more speed-friending events sometime in the future, another ace and aro-exclusive event isn’t currently in the works. “Most of the events that we hold for GQE are based on what people ask for … So if there’s specific interest in having more ace and aro-exclusive events, then we’d be happy to make them.”
Winter Pride’s last event of the year was held on Feb. 20, but the need for understanding queer identities never ends. Hopefully, events like the Ace & Aro Friend Festival can continue to help bridge the gap between us ace and aro folks and the queer and ally communities moving forward.
A version of this article appeared in print in The Ontarion issue 192.3 on Feb. 24, 2022.
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