Opening ceremonies have never looked so…bad
When Ralph Lauren unveiled their Olympic uniforms for Team USA’s debut at the Opening Ceremony of the Sochi Olympics, it briefly made me forget that Canada’s uniforms were more reminiscent of a Petro Canada uniform than Olympic athletic attire. Social media blew up with contrasting opinions on the divisive uniforms, but in all the online scuffles, I found opportunity. I present to you the 10 worst uniforms in Olympic history. I’d suggest you take out your phone or laptop and follow along with the list; some of these bad boys are downright appalling.
10. USA – Sochi 2014 – the “Ugly Christmas Sweater”
If you had a grandma who loved to quilt, was slowly going senile, and was a gun-totting, God-fearing, thoroughbred American badass, this is what she’d make you as a Christmas present. Modest is not a word in the ‘Murican dictionary.
9. USA/Russia tandem – Lake Placid 1980 – “Cold War”
Okay, who the **** wrote this script? This tandem made the list for two reasons: First and foremost, the uniforms were horrendous. The USA had on white cowboy hats and suede brown jackets; they looked like Toy Story’s Woody, but retrofitted for the Arctic. Russia had on mink coats and hats and looked like miniature Chewbaccas. Secondly, event organizers stuck Yugoslavia, of all countries, right smack-dab between the Cold War rivals. For those not up to snuff on their Cold War history, Yugoslavia was decimated by war and broke into six countries in the 1980s part in parcel to the Communism versus Capitalism debate happening in the region at the time. Uniforms alone, this tandem might have not made the list, but politics and poor event planning earned them the ninth spot.
8. Hungary – Beijing 2008 – “Flower Power”
The Hungarian men, with their thick moustaches and barreled chests, proudly sported crisp white suits, light pink oxfords, and a red tie; they looked classy. The women however, were in white dresses and coats that were littered with red flower designs. It honestly looked like they were bleeding out and belonged on the front cover of a Dexter DVD.
7. Russia – London 2012 – “Tribal”
Remember when it was cool for people to tattoo tribal symbols from distant Samoan and Maori cultures on their body? Neither do I. But Russia does. They took the tribal design, painted it red, and called it a day.
6. New Zealand – Beijing 2008 – “The Dude”
Doing their best to imitate Jeff Bridges’ “The Dude” from the Big Lebowski, the Kiwi’s came out in the finest of bowling-inspired attires. Sorry, mates, those uni’s are a gutter ball.
5. Australia – Squaw Valley 1960 – “Cool Runnings”
Feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme, let’s lace up, it’s Aussie ice hockey time! I really wanted to be impressed with the Aussies, I did, but their one and only hockey team lost 18-1 and 15-1 to the Czechs and Americans. Their yellow on green and black attire screamed Jamaican bobsled team, though in all fairness, 1960 was long before we’d become familiar with Cool Runnings.
4. USA – London 2012 – the “Western”
If you switched out the red, white, and blue, and replaced it with purple and white, you’d have every stereotype of Western you’d ever heard in high school. America’s athletes looked more like store mannequins than athletes.
3. Australia – Barcelona 1992 – the “Steve Irwin”
Sometimes it is cliché in a good way to play off cultural stereotypes, but when you look like an American tourist in a Hawaiian shirt on a safari in the heart of African wilderness, you look… well… outrageous.
2. Spain – Beijing 2008 – “Ketchup & Mustard”
Do you remember being in gym class in grade school and the teacher made half the class pick a yellow pinnie and the other half pick red? That’s what Spain did in an exaggerated fashion (literally) in Beijing. As they paraded down the track and into the stadium, it looked like mustard and ketchup blanketing a concrete hotdog.
1. Japan – Sydney 2000 – “Captain Rainbow”
This list is full of “WTF?” outfits, but this one might take the cake. Athletes donned capes fashioned with the stripes of the rainbow, or perhaps, the colours of the colour-wheel – I don’t know. They are horrendous and, if there were no flag-bearer and no explanation for why these people were congregating en masse in rainbow capes, you’d think it was a scene from the Toronto Pride Parade.
Honourable mentions: Japan’s “flower orgy” (Athens, 2004), Italy’s “stewardesses” (Barcelona, 1992), Estonia’s “Marty McFly” (London, 2012).