Loss and trauma come in different variations
Loss is something that all of us will experience and have to deal with at one time or another. Loss takes many different forms, and, depending on who you are as an individual, they can all be equally traumatic and difficult to deal with. Undergraduate years are a transitional time, and many of us experience losing something or someone important to us during these years. If you have never experienced grief before, the feeling of bereavement added to all the other pressures of being a student can be particularly painful and challenging. This feeling can come from the death of a family member, friend, pet, the loss of a dream, harm to one’s health, a loss of the feeling of safety following a life-changing event, the loss of friendship or end of a relationship, or even the loss of something or somewhere sentimental like one’s family home. I lost my mother when I was in my first year. I have since tried to help those close to me get through their own losses, and I have learned that there is no one right way to go about it.
There are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Not everyone goes through all of these stages but everyone needs to get to the last one – acceptance – to move on. There is no set timeline or method for getting through the grieving process, because everyone deals with it differently. There are two general things that I would recommend: 1) Get help and support, 2) Take care of yourself.
When getting help, it is best to turn to the people who you are most comfortable with. Sometimes it’s helpful to turn to those who share in your loss, because the best support often comes from those sharing your feelings. Other times it may be best to look elsewhere, because some losses are so difficult that those sharing your experience may simply not have the ability to try and keep someone else motivated while also motivating themselves. Counselling can also be a beneficial experience, in addition to reaching out and strengthening the bonds with the people you love in your life. The university offers counselling services, and can authorize deferrals and extensions to give you the time that you need to process your loss. It’s important to reach out to someone, because, if you try and keep it in, it will come out – most likely under less than ideal circumstances. I can think of quite a few times when I have spent the better part of an evening in a bathroom or other unceremonious place consoling an intoxicated friend (and, on a few occasions, a stranger) who has tried to repress a traumatic experience like a breakup or a rape and could no longer do so.
Part of taking care of yourself is seeking help, but there are other elements as well. It’s easy to let things go and not care as much when you are in a state of bereavement, but it’s important to keep doing the things that you normally would. Eat right, exercise, listen to what your body, mind, and soul need, and consciously try to meet those needs. You will be better able to process your own grief and be the best version of yourself if you make yourself a priority. You are the most powerful agent of your own happiness – you are the maker of your own destiny.
As difficult as it is to deal with your own loss, it can also be difficult to provide support for someone close to you who reaches out to you. There is an old adage, “do not mock pain you haven’t endured” and this is important to keep in mind when approaching the losses of others; the loss of a hamster may seem trivial to you, but it could be traumatic for the person reaching out to you. Be kind, be understanding, and if you really feel that you lack the tools, try and direct the person coming to you to someone better equipped.
Loss creates change, and, as tragic as the circumstances may be, losing something or someone can be a tremendous opportunity for growth. Confront your pain, process it, and flourish because you have dealt with it, not despite having dealt with it.