I’m one of those people who loves quotes. I’m not talking about the syrupy, over-romanticized kind of generic quotes that I’m pretty sure Marilyn Monroe did not say, but that feeling of recognition when somebody else has put into words exactly what you didn’t know you felt. It’s a feeling like you’ve been heard without even having spoken, to put it romantically.
Some quotes stand out as particularly resonant. Here’s a personal favourite of mine:
“Love liberates. It doesn’t bind. Love says, ‘I love you. I love if you’re in China, I love you if you’re across town, I love you if you’re in Harlem. I love you. I would like to be near you. I’d like to have your arms around me. I’d like to hear your voice in my ear. But that’s not possible now, so I love you. Go.”
Before you stop reading because this is obviously too sappy, wait! It’s not about romantic love. This quote came from Maya Angelou in an episode of Oprah’s Master Class, and she was talking about her children and other people who she had been apart from in her life. The message is not necessarily that if you love someone, set them free; it’s more that if you love someone, you want them to expand. Your love, simply by existing for them, doesn’t mean that you can cling to them, because there is a kind of love that isn’t selfish. Love liberates.
I have these words, love liberates, tattooed on my wrist. I got it about a year ago, and I went with my mom, who got the same words added to a tattoo she got when I was born—it’s an angel, and she had taken a photo of my face when I was a baby to the artist, so the angel is me. We both loved the idea that the experience of getting these tattoos together brought something full circle, and the tattoo itself speaks a lot to my relationship with my mom.
My mom and I have been really close for a long time, but our relationship changed when I went away to university. I’m the oldest of my siblings so I was the first to go, and I was nervous that I would feel like I was abandoning my mom if I wasn’t home all the time. I knew she was sad to see me go, but I also knew she wouldn’t want me to stay. She wanted me to succeed, she wanted me to move on to the next step in my life and she wanted me to be happy—but she still cried whenever I went back to school.
I knew I always had a place to come home to and that my family would always be happy to see me, but I also knew that there was no pressure. If I wanted to stay away, they would respect that too. My mom wanted me near her, but she set me free from her own expectations and ultimately, that’s what brought me home. I was choosing a relationship, not being forced into one, and I think that’s why I have the kind of bond with my mom that I do.
When I started talking about getting a tattoo, my parents were totally on board. They wanted me to think about it and make sure it was something that I really wanted, not just a tattoo for the sake of a tattoo. I knew where I wanted it and I knew I wanted words, but I didn’t know what yet, so I thought that I would wait until I found the perfect idea, and I would know when I did.
My mom also loves quotes—when she finds one she likes, she writes it on a Post-it note and sticks it up around our kitchen so other people can read them. One morning, I was standing at the counter buttering toast, not thinking about tattoos at all, and when I looked up, the Maya Angelou quote jumped out at me. It felt right and the more I thought about it, the more certain I became that I had found the right words. It was so simple but spoke so much, especially about my relationship with my mom.
I know that everyone is different, and all relationships are different, and I know that a mom or a dad can have as many meanings as there are people in this world. But for those of us who are fortunate enough to have our moms, and to talk to them regularly, I think that Maya Angelou’s words are ones we should take to heart. Of course our moms want us around, they want to know what’s going on in our lives, they want us to need them—but they also want us to be on our own, because keeping us close to them means holding us back. They understand that in order for us to grow, they have to put what they want on a back burner for now. Our moms set us free to leave them, they let us go, and they just have to trust that we’ll come back on our own.
I think that university is a turning point in a lot of parent-child relationships; it introduces vast physical space and is a big milestone moment for students who choose to move out of their family home, even if it’s just for the school year. It’s a sign to our parents that we don’t need them anymore, and I can see why that would be hard for people for whom “parent” often becomes an integral part of their identity. For me, going away to university changed my relationship with both of my parents by introducing an element of choice, and what I chose actually surprised me. If you had asked me in high school, I would have said that I would probably grow apart from my parents as I got older. If anything, the opposite is true—I’m closer to them today than I ever was because now we come into the relationship as equals, and as people who have chosen to be there and to actively participate. There is no obligation, and in that way I’ve been liberated to choose on my own. The best thing they could have done for our relationship in that transition was to let me figure it out, and by doing so, I felt free to choose a friendship with some of the people I love the most.