Impress everyone and make them wine jelly (as in jealous)
To be a wine snob you must first know that wine is made from fermented grapes or other fruits. You should also know that the broad categories of wine are red, white, and rosé. Never call it “pink wine,” even if it’s way adorkable when Jess on New Girl calls it that. Next, when someone says something like, “I love a full-bodied red,” you must—and this is very important—resist the urge to roll your eyes, put your finger in your mouth, and make gagging sounds.
You should also know that wines aren’t just red, white, or rosé because of red grapes, green grapes, and mixing red and green grapes. It actually has to do with the fermentation process. White wine ferments the juice from the grapes while red wine ferments the juice along with some of the fruit. Pink wine isn’t a product of just mixing red wine and white wine after it’s made—what are we Neanderthals? Instead, rosé gets that pink hue by letting the skin maintain contact with the juice for a short period of time (about one to three days) during the fermentation process. Did you catch when I said “pink” instead of “rosé” and feel totally superior to me as a person for my tiny mistake? Good! You’re already on your way to becoming a world-class wine snob.
A wine snob is never intimidated by the fancy names wines have because they know they’re actually just the names of grapes. For example, pinot noir is a type of red wine grape variety while pinot grigio refers to a white wine grape variety. Do drinks made out of “black” or “grey pinecone” grapes intimidate you? I didn’t think so, because you’re awesome.
A really good wine snob also knows that sparking wine is a white or rosé wine that is bubbly. Note that all champagne is sparkling wine, but not all sparkling wine is champagne. Think of it this way: Champagne is to sparkling wine as Kleenex is to tissue paper. Except, champagne gets its names from the French region that grows the grapes for that kind of sparkling wine.
Next, say the word ‘tannins’ very slowly. Roll it around in your mouth. Now, never stop commenting on how a wine is or is not tannic just so people know that you know that tannins are, for sure, a thing. Tannins are responsible for making your mouth feel kind of dry when you drink something like red wine or black tea. All wines contain tannins, but you’ll taste it more in red wine because tannins are present in the grapes’ seeds, stems, and skins, which are present more in the fermentation process for red wine.
Other things you can do to reach baller wine snob status are as follows: One, when given a glass of wine, tip your glass and comment on the colour of the wine. Two, don’t just smell the wine, stick your nose in the glass and inhale for as long as possible. Three, take a sip and hold that wine in your mouth for a bit while looking thoughtful. Four, pick two or three random things that you taste in the wine. When in doubt, talk about plums and smoke for red wine, but flowers and citrus for white wines. Alternatively, you can mix it up a little, and say something along the lines of “I’m getting hints of plum, something floral—jasmine, and just a hint of smoke, like a wood fire after a soft summer rain.” Nailed it.
Now that you’ve proven to everyone that you’re an expert wine snob, people will ask you to pick out wines for dinner parties constantly. When asked, simply buy a wine that says VQA on it, and then make a huge deal about how VQA is the only way; don’t worry about anyone asking you what VQA stands for—they don’t know either. Just know that a bunch of wine experts have already determined this is a good Ontario wine so you can impress everyone like the beautiful wine snob you are.
Please snob responsibly.