My mental health story: Why suffering does not have to be a lifelong prescription

Bouncing back after 46 years of hardship

Paul Berthelot is a regular student at the University of Guelph. Studying criminal justice and public policy, he attends class and studies like everyone else and goes about his own life.

However, his story is one of years of pain. Something that has made him stronger, but took decades to start his path to recovery.

Berthelot wants people to know that what you see on the exterior does not paint a clear picture of what someone is dealing with on the inside.

Born in 1970 in Elliot Lake, Ont., Berthelot is the youngest of five boys. He grew up in a home and a time where mental health wasn’t talked about and there were stereotypes surrounding being strong and manly.

From being trapped in a house fire at age two, to being diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis (CF) at age 14—only to be told he didn’t actually have CF at age 21, these events have left him suffering from intense chronic pain, anxiety, and depression for the better part of four decades.

Berthelot has a previous degree in history from the University of Guelph and has come back to school at age 47 after getting involved in victim advocacy.

“The sick don’t always know they’re sick,” shared Berthelot in an interview with The Ontarion. “I possessed a body and a mind that never made me think, ‘Jeeze Paul, you’re really sick.’ I always thought this was just the way life is for me.”

Berthelot believes that the only perspective sick people have is that they are sick. It is impossible to know what healthy feels like if you have never felt it, meaning many people accept their sickness as normal.

There is a need for a deeper understanding about the connection between physical health symptoms and mental health symptoms.

For Berthelot, injuries led to pain and surgeries, which led to pain medication—medication that he didn’t respond to. He was forced to endure.

“To say that there is an intersection with physical health and mental health is not enough. I think that it’s a roundabout that we’re stuck on—especially when you’re sick,” he added.

When Berthelot checked himself into hospital in June 2016, he was placed in the Homewood Health Centre in Guelph.

He had come to a point where he realized that living his life the way he was, was no longer possible.

After being diagnosed with CF as a teenager, Berthelot discovered that the life expectancy for CF at the time was between 24 to 26 years old.

So, he didn’t care. He spent his teenage years with no plan and no future.

A physical exam for the Gryphon ice hockey team in the ’90s led to the discovery that he didn’t have CF. At age 21, he had always thought he only had a few more years to live.

“I spent from when I was about 15 to my early 30s, going to bed wishing I didn’t wake up in the morning,” said Berthelot. “Every day was tough, but mornings were tougher.”

“You wake up with everything from the day before, from the month before, and from the year before. You wake up with it all—there’s no erasing it. Within two hours of being awake, I was mentally and physically exhausted.”

The care at the Homewood facility was life-changing for Berthelot. It was the first time in his life that he responded to medication and the first time that he began to understand what being healthy could feel like.

“I had lived under this cloud of depression, anxiety, PTSD, and pain spiralling constantly,” said Berthelot. “I lived in a constant state of fight or flight.”

“I was born this way, and for me I think it comes down to chemistry,” he added. “I think the lack of balance in my chemistry opened the door to me suffering.”

After two weeks in the Homewood, for the first time in his life, Berthelot began to feel balanced again. Physical indicators, such as knee pain and eczema, began to fade away.

Berthelot wants people to know that these physical manifestations were so deeply connected to his mental health.

“You can’t expect the sick to know that they’re sick. You can’t expect the sick to be rational and logical and to do what a healthy mind says a sick person should do.”

Berthelot believes that by surrounding yourself with positive influences and people who love you unconditionally, the path to getting healthy becomes more clear.

It may seem counterintuitive for a sick mind to ask for help, but that help can change your life. Berthelot is living proof of that.  

Photo by Rebecca Thompson/The Ontarion.