Forming a few good safety habits can make dating much more fun
Even though I’ve been online dating for the better part of my 20s, I’m still as cautious about going on a date as I was the very first time.
The main difference is that I’ve made it a habit to be careful so it doesn’t take that much time or effort anymore. Following these tips has also made me more confident in my ability to judge whether a situation is safe or not and allows me to use the points I need when going on a date.
Dating online is a different kind of nerve-wracking than dating someone you’ve met in person or through friends for two reasons. Firstly, you’re unsure if your date is the person represented online. Secondly, you have no connection to any aspect of their real lives; so if something did happen, all you have to fall back on is a phone number and a first name—and that’s the best case scenario.
Often, I don’t give or ask for a person’s last name until we’re already dating. I save numbers in my phone with the person’s first name and the name of the dating app that I met them on: Chris Bumble, John Pof, Alex Okc, Eric Cmb, James Tinder, and so on. I know it seems odd, but it’s the reality of online dating that often you don’t know very much about your date. After all, the point of going on the date is to learn this information.
Before diving into this, I want to make it clear that the person you are choosing to listen to here isn’t able to provide you with a formula for how to be successful with online dating. I’m not a relationship coach or even particularly good at dating. What I am good at is being a serial first-dater who has managed to never have her kidneys or wallet stolen (ever), experienced sexual harassment (on a date), been catfished (by a date), or even actually stood up (by an online date).
Here’s how you can be equally successful at being safe while online dating.
Tell a reliable friend about your whereabouts and your date
Alright, you’ve verified that this is a real person who you would like to meet in person. Before you leave home, make sure that your most reliable friend, roommate, or family member knows where you’re heading, information about your date, and what time you plan to be back home.
If you’re really nervous tell your confidant to send you a text that you can reply to while you’re on the date. Something as simple as, “You okay?” is reasonable and most dates are very understanding of this text message.
Meet in a public place for coffee during the day
While many people prefer to go for grown-up drinks on a first date, if you’re concerned about safety then it’s best not to lower your inhibitions and level of awareness. Meet for coffee at a place that you feel comfortable or meet at the mall so you can grab a drink and walk around and chat. If coffee goes well and you feel comfortable, then the date can always move to another location.
Don’t get into a stranger’s car
If you decide to move to another location, walk there together or take your own car. Sometimes it’s a little awkward or makes things a little more complicated, but most dates will be understanding of this because it’s really not that big of a deal and saves the driver having to drop the other person back off at their car later.
Circle the block
If you go on a date that has left you feeling incredibly uncomfortable, don’t just drive straight home.Call a friend, check your rearview mirror carefully, and maybe even drive to the mall or to someone else’s house before going home. This is a pretty extreme precaution and you’ll probably feel silly for the 10 minutes you’re doing it. Feeling silly for 10 minutes is, of course, preferable to having someone find out where you live when you don’t want them to know that information.
Leave politely and be clear of your disinterest if that’s how you feel
While it’s perfectly reasonable to send a safe-check text while on a date, don’t use texting as an “escape” tactic. Pretending you have a fake emergency simply because you’re bored or unattracted to the person you’re with is rude, obvious, and immature.
It’s okay to cut a date short if you are uncomfortable or uninterested in someone. Simply explain that you have to be going now and that it was nice to meet them in person. Most people know when a date excuses themselves within 15 to 20 minutes that it hasn’t gone well and they will probably not ask you out again.
If, however, they do ask you out again then thank them for the offer and explain you didn’t feel a romantic connection with them in person. If they press you to just be friends or friends with benefits then say that you have friends and are focusing on finding a romantic connection. If they still keep pressing you to meet again, then block their number; these people fail to understand that “no” means “no” and you owe them nothing more than you’ve already given.Being unclear about your interest may result in people not leaving you alone because they think there is hope, that your mind can be changed, or that you are “playing hard to get.” Be firm and communicate how you feel early and with kindness to avoid these types of misunderstandings.
These tips might make online dating seem scary or stressful, which it sometimes can be. But, once you get into the habit of following these tips, they will make you safer so that you can focus on the whole point of dating: having fun.
Photo by Unsplash via CC0.