Finding my stride again
There was a time in my life when my dream was to play for the national soccer team.
I lived and breathed for the sport; training before and after school, practicing by myself in the park, working with coaches and trainers, it was all I wanted to do.
I graduated high school and went off to university on a soccer scholarship. I saw playing varsity soccer as a step in achieving my goals as an athlete.
So, when I injured my ankle in pre-season, I was devastated.
I had chosen to attend university right out of high school so that I could continue my competitive soccer career. But, with a stress fracture in the left side of the talus of my right ankle, that dream was in a walking cast for six weeks.
It was not the first injury I had faced, but it was the first one that I felt I struggled to mentally overcome.
Feeling isolated and unsure of myself, I opted to drop out and take a year off before going back to school.Making that decision meant returning home with an injury and no team to play on. It meant taking a break from soccer and facing the fear that I would never play at the level I wanted to again.
I spent time working, travelling, and reflecting on my goals during my year off and, near the end of it, I decided that the next step would be attending the University of Guelph.
By the time I arrived in Guelph, I had decided that I wanted to continue to grow as a person and starting my first year of university for the second time around, I wasn’t confident I could balance playing soccer at the same time.
I still wanted to cling onto the athlete I used to be, so I decided to try out for the Ultimate Frisbee team—a sport I had played competitively in high school as well, even though it was never my main focus.
I enjoyed my experience on the team, but in the back of my mind, I was still holding onto my soccer dream.
In the winter of my first year, I tried out for the soccer team. I was able to train with them for their off-season and I was determined to make the team officially in the fall.
However, there were other plans in store for me as I skied over some bad ice over reading week, hitting my head and ending my second attempt at a competitive soccer career.
It was not my first concussion—in fact it was my fifth—and it sent me into a dark place that I was unsure I would ever recover from.I spent two months in bed, gained 15 pounds, and wasn’t able to finish my second semester of university.
Recovery was a slow process and there are still things I have to be aware of today, like repetitive eye movements and reading too much.
Despite that, I did return to school the following year. Unable to play soccer, I also returned to the Frisbee team and, with that, to a group of people who were very understanding about my head.
The two years that followed were riddled with other injury issues, recurring headaches, and depression.
When it came to Frisbee, I could talk the talk on how much I loved the sport, but I could never walk the walk. I struggled to find the motivation and the passion to dedicate myself to a new dream.
For so long I had clung to this idea that my identity was so closely tied to me being a competitive athlete and I no longer had that. Despite the injuries, working out was in my control, but I lacked the drive.
I didn’t know what I was training for, or what the point was if I couldn’t play soccer at a high level again.
But this year, something in me changed.
That isn’t to say that this year hasn’t been without it’s challenges; I was diagnosed with an autoimmune thyroid disease and an anxiety disorder. But challenges aside, this year has also shown me that I am stronger than I gave myself credit for. I have managed to find motivation that I did not know was still inside me.Through all the ups and downs, I have had time to reflect on my goals as an athlete and as a person from the last few years. I am strong and I am slowly proving to myself that I can overcome the obstacles in my way.
My newfound motivation is no longer tied to an identity, or a dream I had long ago. It is about wanting to be the best version of myself, for myself.
For the first time in a long time, I can honestly say that I believe in myself again. I believe in my ability to meet the fitness goals I set for myself, to make the teams I want to be a part of, and to live my life the way I want to live it.
I know that there will be other challenges ahead—life has a funny way of throwing curveballs when you’re not ready for them—and it’s true that I may not catch the ball, but I will pick it up and throw it back.
The most important thing I have learned by disengaging with my identity as a competitive athlete and focusing on being strong and undefined, is that I will always get back up and, if I want to be an elite athlete again, that dream is in no one’s hands but my own.
Photo courtesy of Ed Kung.