Your compliments can impact people dealing with an eating disorder
Commenting on someone’s body can greatly impact their self-esteem — especially if they are currently battling with or recovering from an eating disorder.
You can’t always tell who is dealing with an issue based just on their appearance. So, if you are unsure of what to say then it’s best not saying anything about someone else’s body at all. If you feel the need to say something to a friend in this situation, here are some tips on things you should and shouldn’t say.
DO ask: “How are you?”This is the safest way to check in on someone who is in recovery. It communicates that you care and are there to listen, but gives them the option to not tell you about their recovery if they don’t feel up to it.
DON’T ask: “Do you have any weight loss advice?”Asking for weight loss advice can be very disturbing to someone suffering from an eating disorder. If someone is trying to leave this lifestyle behind it can mean not talking about weight loss at all.
DO say: “I know it’s difficult, but I’m so proud of you.”This acknowledges people’s struggles and tells them that you are willing to listen and understand to the best of your abilities.
DON’T say: “I wish I had your control and discipline!”Eating disorders are a mental illness and, for many people, the need for control and discipline dictates the disorder. Part of their recovery is letting go of the compulsion to control everything they eat.
DO say: “You are beautiful.”This is a simple yet effective way to compliment someone. Beauty encompasses all aspects of someone’s persona.
DON’T say: “You look so healthy.”For many people, having an eating disorder is closely tied to their identity; “healthy” can imply “being recovered” and therefore mean a loss of identity.
DO say: “I like your hair/bag/shoes/etc.”If you feel the need to give a compliment then say something about their appearance without commenting on their body. This can validate the effort someone has put into making themselves feel beautiful.
DON’T ask: “Are you on a diet?”Making a comment that causes someone to think about their food choices can knock them off a balanced path. In addition, someone affected by a binge-eating disorder is likely training themselves to eat smaller portions and working with a dietician. However, diet and recovery do not always go together.
DO say: “You’re worth more than your eating disorder.”For most people, their disorder is closely tied to their identity. A comment such as this can remind them that they are not their eating disorder.
DON’T say: “Are you sure you want to eat that?”For many who are still battling an eating disorder or are in recovery, the goal is to be able to eat all foods in moderation. This comment can take away from a huge victory for someone who is allowing themselves to let go of some control and eat whatever they like.
DO say: “I believe in you.”The recovery process is a rollercoaster for most people recovering from an eating disorder. Hearing this can help them believe in themselves through the process.
DON’T ask: “You look really different, are you relapsing?”Recovery from any disorder or illness, physical or mental, is not a linear process, and everyone will experience ups and downs. Asking someone if they are relapsing can trigger a negative pattern of behaviour and thoughts, causing them to actually relapse.
DO say: “I’m here for you and I’m not going to leave.”It is important to remind a friend who is battling a disorder over and over again that you are there for them. During recovery, the same fears and struggles will often return and it is important to know that family and friends are there unconditionally.
DON’T say: “I had an eating disorder too, I understand.”Everyone’s experience with mental illness and eating disorders is different. No matter how much experience you have with something, it is impossible to fully understand someone else’s lived experience.
DO say: “You’re so funny/smart/intelligent/etc.”Similar to complimenting someone’s hair or outfit, complimenting their personality goes a long way for anyone — disorder or not. It is a reminder that physical appearance does not determine one’s value as a human being.
DON’T say: “You don’t look like you have an eating disorder.”As with all mental illness, eating disorders lie within the mind. There are so many different types and they rarely present themselves in the same way.
When a friend does open up to you about their struggles it is okay to ask them what they are comfortable with you saying.Above all, remind your friend that you love them no matter what.
Feature image by Frances Esenwa/The Ontarion.