The holidays can hurt 

Dealing with grief over the holidays

On May 9, 2010, after a long battle with an illness that wasn’t meant to be fatal, my older brother passed away at McMaster Hospital at the age of 18. I find it hard to remember any of the Christmas holidays in the years that followed.

Therapists, doctors, and self-proclaimed grief gurus talk about the five stages of grief almost religiously: 

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

“It will come,” they say. “You will get to that final step. It will get easier.” They’re not wrong — it does.

What people fail to talk about, however, is how hard it is to deal with family gatherings, celebrations, and other social events during the holidays after someone you love is gone. I’m not just talking about the immediate years following the event — I mean that this time of year can be hard to deal with, again and again, every single year, for the rest of someone’s life.

As psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross said, “The five stages—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief.” What I’m trying to say is that just because it gets easier to handle your grief, doesn’t mean it can’t get harder again, and in different ways. For example, the hardest thing for me is watching my parents. What I’ve found as the years have passed is that the holidays seem to get easier for me and my younger brother, but harder for them. Memories seem to be triggered more at this time of year than almost any other.

We have many commemorative ornaments and decorations in our house — I get a new ornament for our family tree every year, and we have multiple ornaments from family members. These are beautiful gestures, and they are appreciated, but it’s important for even our closest relatives to understand that no one will ever feel the pain that my parents do.  Ornaments and sympathy cards won’t fix the hole in their lives that others only have to remember once or twice a year.I think it’s this reminder — that some people only have to remember sometimes, while the people directly affected have no choice but to remember daily — that brings up the biggest issue. Let me clearly note that these gifts and kind words are welcome. However, one must be aware that even these simple gestures of memory and thoughtfulness can send a grieving parent, sibling, or friend on a trip down a painful memory lane, even after several years have passed. What’s most important to recognize is that we have to let it happen.

This year, my family has the added grief of losing our beloved family dog a couple of months before the holidays. He was a big part of our family, and putting him down was one of the hardest things we’ve had to do in years. He was with us for family vacations, family walks, and on Christmas mornings as we opened presents. He knew my brother, and was there when he left us. This serves as just one way that painful memories can manifest during the season.

It is almost universally acknowledged that everyone deals with grief differently. This holiday season, be aware that someone who has lost a loved one may be finding these days full of bright lights and cheerful music to be overwhelming or depressing.It’s been ingrained in our minds from a young age that the holidays are meant for spending time with loved ones. When a loved one is gone, however, the holidays serve as a reminder that the person is not around to spend time with anymore.

It is important that we let our friends and family be sad so that they can cope. Sadness isn’t a bad thing — it’s proof that the person was loved.

Don’t get upset with them for not being happy because “it’s Christmas.” Trust me when I say that letting them deal with the pain is helpful in the long run. As English poet William Cowper said, “Grief is itself a medicine.”

Photo by Leslie Thompson/The Ontarion