Why we should all stop feeling surprised
I found out about the sexual misconduct allegation against stand-up comedian and actor Aziz Ansari on Sunday evening while at a get together with my friends, who all happen to be women comedians. Once home, I read the article on babe.net and Ansari’s response.
While Ansari is a well-respected comedian who I have reviewed positively and whose body of work I see value in, I didn’t feel surprised by the account I read. Here’s why. Most women have experienced some form of sexual misconduct; logic dictates that this is the result of many men and not just a couple of creeps. Perhaps we need to stop thinking that there are any creeps at all and not feel surprised when someone exhibits creepy behaviour. Instead, let’s assume that everyone is part of the problem, so that we can start improving ourselves and working towards a solution. This begins with educating ourselves.
What is sexual misconduct? Sexual misconduct is a broad term that refers to any behaviour of a sexual nature that is unwanted. Unwanted touching on the dance floor, unasked for dick pics, and sexts from men I barely know are just a few of the most common unwanted behaviours I’ve experienced. In fact, just this weekend — in message number five — a match on Bumble said that the size of his ejaculate would cover my entire face.
Cool. His mother would be so proud, I’m sure. There’s something wrong with our society because this genius isn’t alone.
There seem to be a number of repeating responses to allegations of sexual misconduct that require us to think about them more deeply — mostly so we can stop being surprised every time some other celebrity does some other inappropriate thing and the whole scenario repeats.
How sexual misconduct allegations are generally discussed:
1. Questioning her account of the situation.
The media’s response to this has been providing proof through interviews with friends, screenshots of texts, and having other women come forward with similar stories about the same man. Why do we require so much proof? Why exactly is this a thing people think women could be making up?
2. Questioning why she didn’t report him sooner.
The fact that people won’t believe her unless she has evidence and he’s done this to other people may have something to do with this. The fear of what people will think of her, not to mention the feelings of shame, guilt, fear, and depression that may surface can also have something to do with keeping silent. Also, the fact that we know we will be questioned makes us think twice about whether the actions that made us uncomfortable really did make us uncomfortable or if we are just misreading the situation or being sensitive or any number of other things we’ve heard said to women who speak up about such things. The response to this criticism has been the social media campaign #MeToo, which has provided women a safe space to come forward with their stories.
3. Questioning why she didn’t leave.
The response to this question, most often asked by men, usually comes from other women explaining why it is difficult to react when you are in an unwanted sexual situation. When you’re in a situation where you feel unsafe and violated you go into a weird kind of shock and you often freeze up and don’t know how to leave, let alone how to change what’s going on by articulating that you’re not into it.
If you’re finding it difficult to understand why a woman wouldn’t just leave, go ask someone who gets murdered why they didn’t just leave. You wouldn’t do that, would you? Besides the fact that they’re dead and it’s disrespectful to ask why, the reason you wouldn’t ask is that you assume that no one would want to be murdered, that they tried to live, and that it was out of their hands.
When people question why a woman didn’t leave a situation where she felt sexually violated, they reveal that their assumptions about women are as follows:
- Women are liars
- Women are trying to ruin a good man’s reputation for fame, money, revenge, etc.
- Women really want it at the time, but change their minds later, so they’re making up a story to make themselves feel better or to improve their image
Sadly, it seems that these assumptions are more common in our society than the assumption that no woman would want to be sexually violated, that she tried to leave, and that it was out of her hands.
And this is the real problem, isn’t it? That many people still view women as untrustworthy creatures who are simply out to get good men.
Ansari’s response of being “surprised” is not disingenuous. I’m sure he is surprised because most men don’t seem to understand what constitutes unwanted sexual behaviour. It’s just funny to scream sexual things at women at a bus stop when you drive past them with your friends, see her crossing the street at night, or when she’s in the middle of a live news report. Hilarious.
We seem to live in a culture where men think it’s more appropriate to do whatever they want and apologize later.
In a dating scenario, how hard is it to have a quick conversation about what the person you’re with feels comfortable with? If you want to do something intimate with someone, you should be able to talk to that person about it, and if that person doesn’t say YES, you should understand that they are saying NO.Especially if that woman is young and you are much older than her and a celebrity.
The fact that we’re still talking about what consent and appropriate behaviour really means is sad and disappointing, but it’s not surprising. The sooner men who think they are part of the solution check their own behaviour (and that of their male friends), the better chances the future has of trending #NotMe.
Feature photo courtesy of Twitter via CC0
Well said!