Touched for the very first time
It was a blind double date set up by mutual friends.
My friend, let’s call her Briella, had texted me a picture of a guy with a stuffed toy on his head. She asked whether I thought this guy, let’s call him Leo, was cute. She explained that she was trying to help him find someone to — for lack of better words — pop his cherry. To be his first date, his first kiss, his first time having sex. Someone he had things in common with and was sex positive enough to not judge him for being a virgin.
I was flattered, so I said yes. I was also going through a dry spell, so that was a bonus reason. Briella set the date up as more of a group gathering at a board game cafe to ease any tension. Deep down, I was feeling very nervous. I had some experience with one-night stands, but not much in going on dates. The last date I’d been on was with my ex, whom I’d just gotten over. Regardless, I brushed away this fear. “It’s been almost a year,” I told myself. “You’ve got this. Time to start fresh. You’re ready.” Those initial nerves, however, came rushing back on the day of the date. On top of this, on the bus ride to the cafe, I found out that one of Briella’s other friends, who would be joining us, was friends with a guy that I had previously hooked up with. Yay.
When we arrived at the cafe, I tried to act casual and look him in the eye without blushing. It took playing a group game of Funemployed to laugh it off. Eventually, each group member had to leave until we were left alone. Small talk ensued. He was really nice, but painfully quiet. We had a lot in common in terms of politics and travelling, but we lacked chemistry. To the point that I didn’t think he was into me at all. This is why I was so surprised when Briella texted me about how Leo told her that he thought I was attractive, but didn’t think I was into him. She explained that Leo is shy and inexperienced, so he didn’t know how to express his interest. She added that this was my chance to be the one to teach him. Make the move. Call the shots. Be the boss. To give the middle finger to the stereotype of Asian women being submissive and helpless. That idea was enough to interest me in another date with Leo.
The second date was better and we opened up a bit more. On the third date, we fooled around. I made the first move by inviting him over to my place and easing into asking if I could kiss him, which was really nerve-racking! It was both a thrill and a fear. It really opened my eyes to how I was used to waiting for men to make the move.Even now, when I’m on Tinder, I’m used to waiting for the guy to message me first. I even have friends who tell me to never text a guy post-hookup. Let him do it first. Otherwise, they say, I’ll sound desperate. And yet, due to the double standard, he isn’t seen as desperate if he sends that first text. And why is that? Is it because women are conditioned to not be assertive? Along with being shamed for wanting sex? That it’s seen as a man’s job to make the moves? It’s an annoying double standard.
This experience challenged me to be braver, but also helped me realize that in a relationship both people need to take turns making the move and openly communicate. It was exhausting constantly making the first move and waiting for the other person to respond.
Photo courtesy of Flickr via CC0