My partner’s cerebral palsy made me recognize my internalized ableism
I was at Palace when I first laid eyes on him. My first thought was, “Oh this guy is cute.” Then I looked at the way he was limping towards me with a blank expression on his face and I thought, “Hmm… He must be high on some MDMA… maybe it’s not a good idea.” I tried to avoid him, but somehow I kept bumping into him on the dance floor.
When we kissed, I noticed it felt different from the other guys I’ve kissed. A lot wetter and less pressure with the tongue. I thought it was the acid. Curiously, through the loud music, I asked: “Are you high?”
He said, “What?” in a voice that sounded slurred.
I yelled, “You sound high!”
He pulled out his phone and typed “I have a disability,” before showing it to me.
“Fuck, now I’m an asshole,” I thought to myself.
Through typing on his phone, I learned his name. I also learned that he has minor cerebral palsy and is majoring in computer science. Despite this being a big surprise, I invited him over to my place. He was just too cute not to invite home, and also I hadn’t had sex in over a month at the time, so I was dying for some action.
After our first night together, he invited me over to his place for dinner. This eventually led to me seeing him weekly. We became friends with benefits at first before officially dating. We just connected on an emotional level. I never met anyone that I could talk to for hours without getting tired. Someone who I didn’t have to try so hard to connect with. Even though we have conflicting personalities, where I’m the easily anxious and fiery one while he’s the calm and understanding one, he balances me out to where we fit together perfectly.
I’m not going to lie, the first month or two had challenges. I definitely had internalized ableism, which I battled with. Whenever he spoke, I couldn’t fully comprehend what he was saying, which irritated me deep down. Whenever he walked, cooked, or cleaned, it looked like he was struggling and I recognized that I had internalized feelings of pity and feelings that I needed to help him. To my shame, a small part of me felt embarrassed to be seen with him. I was worried people would think I was taking advantage of him. I constantly had to kick at that deviant thought.
My partner’s disability did impact our sex life. While it was nothing too drastic it was definitely a new experience.Cerebral palsy causes his tongue to have decreased coordination, which means it challenging for him to give oral sex and to French kiss. He also has a slight speech impediment so talking dirty was also a challenge. We worked through these challenges by connecting on an emotional level and being polyamorous; the fact that he is well endowed certainly helped things in this department as well.
Luckily for me, I soon got used to the way he walks and talks to the point where I can understand what he is saying now almost effortlessly and I no longer panic when I see him do certain things on his own. My deepened emotional connection with him overrode those internalized feelings.
We have been together for six months now. It is my longest relationship so far. Dating someone with a disability put me out of my comfort zone and made it possible for me to unlearn my internalized ableism. I learned that what matter is that we are right for each other, so we work.
Photo courtesy of William Stitt via CC0