Drake’s new hit snubs dads everywhere, unfairly favours beds and mommas, says local dad
Gary Lancaster is a single hardworking father of three who spends his week working at a credit union in Downtown Guelph and his Saturdays selling homemade jam at the Guelph Farmers’ Market. In between, he’s a part-time Uber driver — all to support his three children.
Lancaster takes great pride in his single-fatherhood, and the community has embraced him and showered him with respect — or so he thought. At the market, his fellow vendors and customers know him as “Good Dad Gary.” But it was in early March, while Ubering a load of freshmen to The Manor, that Lancaster first heard Drake’s new mega-hit, “God’s Plan,” which has ruled the Billboard Hot 100 for 11 weeks, and which includes a popular line where Drake sings, “‘I only love my bed and my momma, I’m sorry.’”
Lancaster felt betrayed. “As soon as I heard this line, I slammed on my brakes and pulled over,” Lancaster told The Contrarion. “My passengers were enthusiastically singing these unbelievably offensive words. I asked them why they didn’t respect hard-working fathers like myself, and they just looked at me. They told me that this is what’s hot
right now and that everybody sings these horrible things.”
Beds and mommas are a sore spot for Lancaster, whose wife died in a freak bed-accident six years ago while cavorting with another man.
“She was cheating on me while I was out with the kids. The firemen said that our water-bed spontaneously combusted and killed both of them,” said Lancaster. “I didn’t just lose my wife that day, I lost my custom king-size, smart water-bed with built-in speakers, WiFi, GPS, and gas heater. I still don’t understand what caused the explosion.” Since the accident, beds and mommas have been banished from the Lancaster home. The family has spent their nights on a variety of recliners, hammocks, bean bags, stacks of carpets, sleeping bags, dense hoodies, plush pillows, yoga mats, and/or couches.“We’ve tried to convince him to see a therapist but he keeps refusing,” said Lancaster’s oldest daughter, Sarah, in an email. “He hasn’t been the same since the bed blew up and killed mom. I had to sleep on a coffee table covered in doilies for years.”
Lancaster has now ventured into activism, handing out pamphlets at his jam stand at the Farmers’ Market protesting “God’s Plan.” The pamphlets advocate for the rejection of beds and mommas in favour of “Dads and Other Furniture.” It’s all part of Lancaster’s Dads Against Drake (D.A.D.) campaign.
So far, the response has been lukewarm. “I like Gary, he’s fine,” said one Farmers’ Market attendee.
“BUT I ONLY LOVE MY BED AND MY MOMMA. I’M SORRY,” the attendee added while jumping in the air and landing in plank position on the outstretched arms of his four friends.
The Contrarion reached out to Young Money Entertainment for comment, but has received no response.
Photo by Alora Griffiths/The Ontarion