Change reflects shifting focus of university
Universities have long been thought of as institutions of the public good, meant to educate and prepare each generation of people to be engaged citizens. Now, universities have become more of a business, meant to maximize the amount of money made.
President Franco Vaccarino gave us his reasoning behind the updated motto.
“We want to be honest and transparent here at the U of G, and the fact is, our main goal is to make money, so we thought we should be up front about that.”
Vaccarino told The Contrarion that “Improv[ing] Life” would involve:
- Removing unnecessary administrative fees (e.g. $75 extra for online courses, $50 to carry over meal plan dollars, late fees for graduation, etc.)
- Making textbooks free
- Freezing tuition fees
- Seeking to lower costs to make education more accessible and less of a burden for students struggling financially
Conversely, “Improv[ing] Profits” would involve:
- Raising tuition by the maximum amount allowed every year
- Hiring precarious part-time positions instead of full-time union positions
- Hiring sessional lecturers instead of faculty
- Allowing contracts with corporations to outweigh student demands — for instance, Vaccarino said that U of G can’t ban the sale of bottled water since Coca-Cola is the owner of the water bottle company
- Buying the thinnest, one-ply toilet paper available
“Looking at the actions that the University of Guelph has taken over the years it is clear the main goal is to improve profits,” Vaccarino said, aggressively bouncing between various spreadsheets and graphs while sweating and wiping his forehead with more spreadsheets.
Recently, when faced with the dilemma of whether to divest from fossil fuel companies, the administration chose to maintain the $38 million of investments it has in the industry. They cited their new motto as a key reason for this decision.
“We know climate change is happening, and we know the effects of global warming are going to impact predominantly poor people around the globe, but that’s not our problem. We’re in the business of making money, and the fossil fuel industry donates generously to our campus,” said a senior administrator who demanded to remain anonymous.
President Vaccarino elaborated on their upcoming plans.
“Our message to all potential donors is: the University of Guelph is open for business. We’re in talks right now to make prominent spaces on campus more available to advertisers. We’re looking for oil under buildings. Billboards will be installed on the sides of major buildings throughout campus and will be available to the highest bidder,” Vaccarino said.
VP of Finance Don O’Leary speculated about future trends on campus.
“Just wait until tuition is deregulated and we can increase fees by any amount we want, then you’ll see our new motto in full force,” Don O’leary said.
Photo edited by Alora Griffiths/The Ontarion