Hair gel is actually mayonnaise
A month-long investigation into rumours surrounding what is used to hold Ontario Premier Doug Ford’s hair so far back on his head has concluded with all evidence pointing to bathtubs upon bathtubs full of mayonnaise.
The Ontario government and the office of the premier denies all mayo-related claims.
“Doug Ford uses nothing but hot water to keep his naturally slicked hair back,” an Ontario news press release reads. “There is no excessive use of hair gel or food products to grease the Premier’s beautiful, flowing locks.”
The Contrarion’s investigation contradicts the statement by Ontario News, which is a mouthpiece for the Ontario government, through various photo collages obtained by The Contrarion of Premier Ford bathing in what appears to be Hellmann’s Mayonnaise.
Audio recordings matching Ford’s vocal patterns were also sent to The Contrarion by an anonymous source.
In the recordings, Ford is heard bathing in what sounds like a tub of mayonnaise before dunking his head in the well-loved condiment and emerging whispering the phrase: “Perfect hair, folks.”
The Contrarion spoke to a number of MPPs, including Guelph MPP Mike Schreiner, about the Hellmann’s mayo allegations.
“I’ve stood beside Premier Ford a number of times,” Schreiner told The Contrarion. “And I don’t know what it is, but he always smells like vinegar, mayo, and pepperette sticks.”
Three other non-Conservative MPPs agreed with Schreiner but asked to remain off the record out of concern for their careers and possible vengeance that may be exacted against their own hair regimens.
When told about the tubs full of mayonnaise investigation, Schreiner said it “makes total sense.”
Ron Taverner, the new OPP commissioner and Ford’s publicly acknowledged friend, told The Contrarion that the claims are “categorically false, like that time President Donald J. Trump was accused of sexual harassment for simply engaging in the American tradition of locker room talk.”
“Look I’m a cop and best friends with Doug Ford. We’ve known each other since Dougie dropped out of college and had the best hash in Etobicoke back in the ’80s. The guys loved that Afghan,” Taverner told The Contrarion, eyes red. “Dougie used to slide it to us guys on the force for years, free of charge, man. It was fan-fucking-tastic.”
“And in all the years since, I’ve always known Doug Ford as a greaser with his hair, right. And none, and I mean zero, use of mayo,” Taverner continued. “Maybe some Miracle Whip from time to time, but no, never mayonnaise as far as I know.”
The Contrarion also received a tip from an anonymous source at Queen’s Park detailing renovations to the office of the premier to be fitted with a personal washroom and a bathtub.
Featured photo by Alora Griffiths/ The Ontarion